I am by no means a strict self-dietitian. My overall diet is only healthy because the food I find most enjoyable happens to be healthy. I’d pick an avocado/tomato/garlic sandwich over a steak and cheese almost every time. I do enjoy a few unhealthy splurges, especially in the realms of chocolate and cheese, but these are kept to a minimum for gastrointestinal reasons.
Given my inadvertent propensity towards the healthier side of things, I find fast food cravings and junk food crazes indefinably alien. I have never been so wont for a cheeseburger that I might consider selling my body to get one. I have also never considered sweets to be anything more than the occasional treat, no matter how many rice krispies are involved. I have never actually escaped feeling downright ill after a few rounds with most baked confections and greasy sandwiches.
So it comes as no surprise that I find this recent cupcake fad to be completely absurd. Not only have we become so obsessed with these sugary treats that we have allowed the birth of some strange cupcake hybrids (yes, that is bacon) but we’re also willing to shell out obscenely large amounts of money for what is little more than a glorified Hostess product.
I wish someone could explain standing in line for 40 minutes to get a giant cupcake, and then also explain paying upwards of $2.75 for it. Donuts, the strange, less uptight cousins of the cupcake are at least priced to reflect their nutritional status. Why are we so willing to spend so much money on something so simple and obviously self-destructive? It’s like Starbucks all over again, but with fewer beans and more frosting.
I then ponder the logic behind a giant cupcake. While it is a clever psychological trick, does no one else realize that a “giant cupcake” is also a “small regular cake”? Adding “cup” before the word does not make it cute or forgivable; you’re still eating a small cake, by yourself, in one sitting. Wilford Brimley will be pleased to have you join his little club.
If you must gorge on small, colorful cakes, at least have the decency to stay home. Cupcakes are cheap, easy and fast; you can probably make 8 home made cuppity cakes for the price of one “luxury” cupcake and all you have to do is pay enough attention to not burn your kitchen down. I recommend funfetti.
Only in America.
I hope your next cupcake is named Balnazzar and looks like this.