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Posts By Oliver Gray

The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep one, last, time!

Craft and Draft: Building Castles

August 6, 2012 · Oliver Gray

Not all of these posts are going to include Lego. Just most of them. Maybe I’ll do some in Minecraft to mix it up a little.

This post piggybacks off of my previous post about characterization, but is more focused on complete drafts.

Building Castles 

As one of my enthusiastic classmates was waxing poetic about her experience revising her latest fiction piece, it struck me that the entire Draft Development Cycle (DDC) builds on itself. You’ve got all of the details, characters, and settings in your head, but they are raw, disorganized.

There is some strong magic swirling around the craft of writing that hides the creative process. Unlike master painters whose every brush stroke can be witnessed and studied, excellent writers seem pull their stories and skill out of the ether, as if it is an extension of their very soul. Young writers often don’t see the missing piece; the years and years of practice and patience and persistence. 

This leads to disillusionment.

Like when you imagine an amazing picture of a bear riding a snowmobile firing laser blasters at robot dinosaurs, expecting it to look like this:

Why yes, I did Photoshop this myself. Thanks!

But when you finally draw it, it looks like this:

Yep, drew this myself.

See? Disillusionment.

As is the case with any creative art, it takes time to refine your skill and eventually master it.

As a writer, you have a singular advantage over painters and sculptures and sidewalk chalk drawers: your art is infinitely malleable. First draft sucks? No worries! Just rewrite the parts that suck until they unsuck. You can never make a mistake that can’t be rectified.

Drafting is like playing with Lego. You start with a blank, flat green board, have all the pieces you could ever need in a big plastic bin next to you, and can build anything you want. For this example, let’s say you want to build a picturesque castle. You imagine the castle in your head, and get to building.

1. Zero Draft

This is the very first draft of your piece that comes oozing out of the primordial goo that is your psyche, malformed, unsure that is should even exist. I call it the “zero” draft instead of the “first” draft, because chances are your main theme is underdeveloped or completely missing at this point. This is the draft where you let your brain shift the gears while you carelessly slam your foot down on the accelerator. As to be expected, you might crash and burn and suffer horrible injuries, or at least swerve wildly around the roadway, endangering everyone and everything around you.

The zero draft of your Lego castle would look something like this:

They told me I was daft to build a castle on the swamp, but I build it all the same.

It’s not not a castle, but it’s certainly not something you’d like to defend during a siege. But you’ve got a start, the bones, the basic structure of the castle, even if it’s little more than a pile of rocks with a flag at this point.

2. First Draft

After you’ve taken some time to evaluate the structural integrity of your castle, you can rewrite your zero draft and fix a lot of the problems. You can add content, remove stupid fluff, flesh out characterization, and really right the ship. Don’t go too crazy with fixing grammatical stuff at this point; you’re more concerned that the mortar of the castle will hold, than what color heraldry you’re going to put into the great feast hall.

The first draft of your Lego castle could look something like this:

This is what I imagine the front gates of Riverrun looks like. But you know, with more walls.

It’s a lot more castle-esque now. There is still a gaping hole in the back of the structure, and your guards would demand hazard pay to walk along those ramparts. But at least a drunken peasant could identify it as a castle now, which is a step in the right direction.

3. Draft X

The next draft is actually a series of drafts, in which you tweak your content, have other people read it, question character motives, and ask probing plot questions. This is when you build a tall tower for your gaoler, only to tear it down when you realize you don’t even have a dungeon. This is when you fill in the murder holes you added just behind portcullis because your kingdom isn’t, and will never be, at war. This is when you learn about your story, and can play with character desires, tweak dialogue, and repair any of those major plot holes that have been sucking the narrative into a mire of confusion and triteness.

The Draft X castle could look something like this:

What manner of man are you that can build a castle without rock or wood?

Or like this:

That is no Orc horn!

Now you have a castle to write home about. Unless the castle is your home. Then your letter won’t go anywhere. You can see that the walls are strong, and you’ve even made room for windows and arrow slits. The roof has taken shape, and you have staircases connecting the scenes for your characters to walk up and down.

It is important that even though your castle looks pretty good, you don’t stop. Stopping now would be like running a 100-yard dash and stopping at 95 yards. It’d be like baking a delicious cherry pie for 45 minutes when the recipe called for 60. It’d be like dressing yourself in the morning but intentionally not putting on pants. Don’t stop yet, you’re not done, but you’re almost done.

4. Final Draft

Getting here takes time and effort, so if you’ve made it: woot to you!

Now is when you get to really dissect the language of your story, correcting unintentional passive constructs, replacing boring verbs with explosive ones. This is also the time to adds bells and whistles; flesh out characters and setting descriptions, re-pace your action scenes, and de-mushify the romance.

Eyes to text as comb to hair.

This is what your final draft would look like, if it were a castle:

The horn of Helm Hammerhand shall sound in the deep one, last, time!

Now you can pitch it or post it or sell it or just bask in the glow of your hard, tedious work.

Just remember: a castle (much like Rome) isn’t built in a day. Even the best architect needs to plan out how he uses his materials, which stone goes where, and how many beams are needed to support the weight of the roof. If your piece isn’t what you expected it to be, draft and draft again. The bin with the all the Legos is right next to you.

Dig in. Build. Draft. Create.

To not seem a total braggart, I removed the specific numbers.

If I knew how to bake, I’d make a delicious humble pie

August 5, 2012 · Oliver Gray

My latest post made the “Freshly Pressed” page this weekend.

There is some saying that a picture is worth a certain amount of words or something. To that end, I present this:

One of these is not like the others. 

I am honored, humbled, amazed, astounded, elated, and ecstatic that so many people came to read my little site and say so many nice things.

I don’t have a speech prepared, so I  guess I just want to pass along a huge thank you to the readers who have been supporting me for the last few years, and pass a long a huge welcome to any and all new readers.

This has been an awesome day, all thanks to the awesome WordPress community. You guys made this writer’s year.

-Oliver

This is a rare deleted scene from the ill-fated Game of Thrones vs. Pirates of the Caribbean crossover.

Craft and Draft: Character Counts

August 3, 2012 · Oliver Gray

I’m starting a new series on LitLib called, “Craft and Draft.” It’s going to be an out-loud, unfiltered learning experience for me that I hope others can benefit from as well. It’ll be focused on the drafting and revision process and all the crazy magic-voodoo shit I’m learning in grad school!

The great thing about the contextual ambiguity and synonymous nature of the words in the title is that I can use them interchangeably to talk about writing or beer. I am so clever.

Hope you enjoy. These posts will be filed under the “Literature” and “Writing” categories for future reference.

Disclaimer: I am a 26 year old male and still have a childlike infatuation with Lego. I also take bubbles baths when I’ve had a rough day, almost cried when Will Smith (Dr. Robert Neville) had to kill his dog after it got infected, think hydrangeas are pretty flowers, and know all the lyrics to That’s What Friends Are For by Dionne Warwick and Friends.

Deal with it.

Character Counts:

As happy productive authors, we all want to be parents to our characters, raise them up right, and teach them to hate the things we hate. But characters (and to a lesser extent personal voice in nonfiction) aren’t our children. They are our creations.

Authors don’t birth them and then guide them through life, letting them form their own theories and build an understanding of the universe through empirical trial and error. Hell no. We force their beliefs onto them without even asking, telling them what they’re passionate about, what they think about certain philosophical quandaries, and how they ultimately view the world.

We’re like Christianity, but with even crazier stories.

Therein lies a problem. We have to make these characters, and for them (and by extension our stories) to be good, they have to be believable. It is surprisingly difficult to completely flesh out a character, and new writers (like me) will often create Frankenstinian abominations where we meant to create maidens fair.

Stage 1: A Hero is born, sort of

In your planning phase, you might make a character biography. At this point, your character sounds awesome. He’s got a dark, messed up past, his beard is just the right length to be manly without being crazy, and his story arc makes Luke Skywalker’s seem like a lazy Sunday afternoon cruising around in an X-wing.

You imagine your characters looking and acting like this:

This is a rare deleted scene from the ill-fated Game of Thrones vs. Pirates of the Caribbean crossover.

But when you re-read your scene/chapter/short story/cocktail napkin notes, your protagonist seems more like this:

I say there, Monstrosity! Do you know the times?

I mean, it is kind of identifiable as some sort of humanoid, but there are some major problems here. One: his period-inappropriate tricorn hat is on fire. Two: He has two heads, one of which is completely black and has no face. Three: He has a sophisticated breathing apparatus on his chest, but also has a wooden leg. Four: His left arm is not attached to his body.

This is an extreme example, but my point remains. It is very difficult to properly build your character the first time around. He’s going to come out with conflicting motivations, bad dialogue, missing limbs, and possibly even a flaming hat.

But that’s OK! Now that you’ve got your scene, and see that your character clearly needs literary medical attention, you can work on fixing him. It is a habit of mine to dump as many details as possible into exposition, trying to give the character a voice and make him seem human. This isn’t a good idea. Learn from my mistake. The more details you have, the more there is to keep straight, and the more likely your character will seem like his brain doesn’t work correctly.

Stage 2: The Hero goes on a really boring journey

The great thing about word processors is that we can erase with reckless abandon. After revising and simplifying, you character might look like this:

Now he looks a little more…is that a lemon meringue pie?

He’s starting to resemble something that could possibly be confused with a human from a considerable distance!

The hat is still wrong, but at least it isn’t on fire. The parrot was inexplicably replaced by a pie. The technology in his chest still doesn’t match his wooden leg, but at least his arm is reattached.

Better. Closer. Warmer.

Still needs work, though. No one wants to read a story about a pirate/robot/pie shop owner. Do they?

Stage 3: The Hero descends into the underworld via a very, very long escalator

As you continue to revise, your character’s personality and thoughts may evolve requiring that you change major plot points or key exchanges with other characters. This sucks, but you have to do it. Trying to mash a scene or piece of backstory into the main narrative just because you like it normally doesn’t turn out very well. Re-write, re-hash, re-calculate, revise.

You’ll probably notice that your entire plot has changed along with your character. This is normal (for me at least). Run with it. Give in to your demons. Let the story do some of the work itself.

Something that often happens when you do a significant amount of rewriting is that completely new elements and characters get added to the story, which is simultaneously great and awful.

By now, your hero might look like this:

A midget alien, a wizard-deckhand, and a pistol wielding monkey walk into a bar…

The good news is that your hero is a believable human at this point! Some of his wardrobe choices are still a bit odd, but at least now his actions are in line with his motivations, and his dialogue is setting appropriate.

The bad news is that you can’t see how sweet he is becoming, because you’ve added vertically challenged aliens and sharpshooter monkeys who distract from your main hero. Supporting characters should do just that: support. They don’t need to be as in-focus as your protagonist, so feel free to cut back on them if they seem to be carrying too much word-weight.

Stage 4: The Hero returns and brought cheap, crappy souvenirs for everyone

By now, you’re sick of revising. But revising is like running; you can’t have ripped, washboard abs if you don’t do the cardio.

As you’ve pared and simplified, your hero becomes someone readers can relate to, because he’s not a bloated ideal or a hollow husk. He’s got skills and flaws, and all kinds of interesting history that lends to his being a character people attach themselves to. He might not be a Jamie Lannister or a Muad’dib, but he’s a certifiable human being.

Well done! You’ve accomplished the hardest part of characterization: making your reader want to read because your hero is innately interesting without being archetypal.

Your finished product may look something like this:

Simple is safe. That pistol doesn’t look very safe though.

He’s not flashy, but he doesn’t need to be. He’s complete, recognizable, relatable, and lovable (or hateable).

Moral of the story: Revise until you want to vomit. Then go vomit and revise some more. It is an idealistic pipe dream to expect your work to come out perfectly in one draft, so expel that from your mind now. Keep rewriting until you understand why your first few attempts at characterization failed so badly, so you can avoid those same mistakes in the future.

Rewriting counts as writing, so don’t feel like you’re not writing just because you’re revising. Yea. That makes sense.

I present this without comment.

Wheel of the Beer

August 1, 2012 · Oliver Gray

I’m not sure how many people are familiar with the neopagan concept of the “Wheel of the Year“, so this post might need a primer.

The Wheel of the Year is calendar-eqsue representation of the cyclical nature of, well, nature. It splits the year into eight segments, with each one ending (or beginning, depending on how you look at it) on a major event, called a Sabbat. Lunar events mark changes in the lengths of days, and were used historically by pagan faiths as an effective way to measure when crops needed to be sown, harvested, and stored for winter. It also made an awesome party planner, as festivals could be thrown to coincide with celestial movements.

There is a massive amount of syncretism surrounding the Wheel of the Year, as many people and traditions have added to or co-opted the idea of a yearly cycle and distinct seasons.

The traditional calendar looks like this, and includes eight holidays (and their modern or Christian equivalents): Yule (Christmas or Winter solstice), Imbolc (Candlemas or the Festival of St. Brighid), Ostara (or Spring Equinox or Ēostre, which is the namesake of Easter), Beltane (May Day), Midsummer (Summer solstice), Lammas (or Harvest Festival or the Liberation of St. Peter), Mabon (Autumnal Equinox), and Samhaim (Hallows eve or Halloween).

Found at: http://www.healinghappens.com/wheel.htm

I have once again co-opted the idea of the Wheel of the Year to fit more inline with my own beliefs, and as a result, produced the “Wheel of the Beer”.

It’s an infographic for drunks!

Just as you are more likely to eat an entire turkey around Thanksgiving, beer drinkers are more likely to drink certain beers at certain times of the year. Kolsch and Pilsner lend themselves to the hot, sticky months while porters and stouts lend themselves to the bitter cold of winter.

This wheel shows Oliver’s beer consumption habits based on season. The larger the bottle, the more of that beer I am apt to drink at that time. The further forward in the season the beer, the later in the year I drink it. Beers that cross lines are enjoyed during multiple seasons. This is as to scale as my crude scientific method will allow.

Note: This only includes commercially available beer that I buy for home consumption. Restaurant beer not included. No purchase necessary. See rules and restrictions for more details. Also feel free to click on the image; it links to a PDF that lists all the beers on here.

I present this without comment.

This is where my writing goes when it doesn't sink into the keyboard and become letters on my magical screen.

All things Bloggerel

July 30, 2012 · Oliver Gray

I’m sure no one noticed, but last week was the first time in 6 action-packed months, that I didn’t post anything on this here web-log.

It sucked.

The reasons I didn’t post were three-fold:

1. My neck decided it didn’t like being the thing that connects my head to my body, and in turn, went on strike. I’ve had odd lightheadedness, dizzy spells, and a general feeling of not being my witty, awesome self. I’m in the clear medically (or so some blood and urine tests say) so I don’t have any weird, exotic diseases. Boringly, it is probably the result of some strained neck muscles and some accompanying cervical vertigo. I’m in discussions with my neck to end the strike, but his demands for equal pay and better working conditions are going to hurt my bottom line.

2. I have been oddly busy. I use the word oddly because I’m usually busy, but also usually pretty good at slipping writing into the many little gaps that come with being an overly-tasked but somewhat apathetic employee. For whatever reason, last week afforded me almost no time for the normal clickity-clack of my laptop keyboard, which afforded me no sweet blog posts.

3. I wanted to see how I felt if I didn’t post. I love writing, and love posting here, and love taking pictures for the posts, and love checking my stats, and love reading all of your hilarious comments, and love seeing what insane crap spammers are able to slip by Akismet this week. But at times, I felt like I was forcing stuff out the proverbial door just for the sake of it being done. I wasn’t writing for fun, I was writing out of complete perfunction (yea, that’s not a word…but it should be).

Ultimately, the feeling that I was forcing out doggerel was not worse than the feeling of not posting at all. My logic is weird, I know.

But, I’m back! And I’ve got all kinds of bullshit to talk about. I found a good beer in a can that doesn’t taste like some sort of roboticly infused alluminum monster! I also found out that creating a story or a long-form piece of writing is a lot like playing with Lego! Lastly, I discovered that I am much happier when writing anything – even stuff that doesn’t make me all ants-in-the-pants excited – than when I’m writing nothing at all.

Love you all, thanks for continuing to witness my psychological decline via my creative outlet.

This is where my writing goes when it doesn’t sink into the keyboard and become letters on my magical screen.

 

This beer never grew up and moved out. He still lives at home with his glasses.

Review: Gordon Biersch SommerBrau

July 19, 2012 · Oliver Gray

You are sick of the heat. You are sick of feeling like you’ve been dipped in a tub of sweat and grime after 10 minutes of being outdoors. You are sick of everything that makes you warm. Clothes. Fire. Human touch.

You are officially broken up with Summer.

In an attempt to cool down, you’ve tried everything you remember from your childhood. You’ve flipped your sweat-soaked pillow more times than you can remember. You’ve clumsily jumped through your sprinkler while your neighbors watched, concerned, from their windows. You’ve put bags of peas on your forehead as you lay on the cold, tile floor in the basement.

And yet, you’re still too hot.

You try to think cool thoughts. Penguins, the arctic, the opening scenes from the 1993 X-Files episode, Ice. Mind over matter and all that. Think cold and you’ll be cold, right? You sit next to the AC vent, letting the forced air push the hair from your face and evaporate the sweat that has pooled in your eyebrows.

You waft your shirt over your stomach, hoping that the improved airflow will lower your internal temperature. You stare at the digital thermometer, questioning its accuracy. Your mind wanders to Spring, Fall, Winter; any time when the world isn’t trying to burn you to death.

You fill a large glass with water and add four blocky ice cubes until the contents almost overflows. You feel the relief penetrating your throat and chest as you take your first gulp. Before you realize, you’ve finished the glass of water. That was good. But you want more.

You pour another glass. Cranberry juice cocktail. The sweet and tangy concoction brings a smile to your lips, but your body cries for even more quench. Another glass. Chocolate milk. Bad idea. Refill. Unsweetened lemon-laced iced tea. Getting there, but still missing something.

The hiss as the cap comes off alone makes you feel cooler. The yellow glow of the beer in the glass is worth at least a degree or two. You take a sip. Hop bitterness, a hint of fruit. Cleverly balanced doughy malts.

Relief.

9 out of 10.

This beer never grew up and moved out. He still lives at home with his glasses.

What manner of man are you that you can sew up skin without spells and staves?

How to Meet a Wizard

July 17, 2012 · Oliver Gray

Little known and oft ignored fact: there are thousands upon thousands of wizards living along side us. I know because I have apprenticed to a few, and am training to be a wizard myself.

Due to the fetters or civility and modern society, many of these people are forced to ply trades far less fantastic than traditional wizards. Since they can’t focus their powers on the arcane, they instead focus on being very good at one, specialized thing.

I was preparing a delicious serving of Carolina style short ribs when I decided that human blood might be a good addition to the recipe. My blood. Lots of it. From my thumb, via knife, into the delicious chili sauce.

This plan didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped, and I ended up hemorrhaging enthusiastically for several hours. I should have listened to my wife and gone to the hospital then and there, but I had to look tough, because, y’know. I wrapped the wound in Wendy’s napkins and duct tape, hoping that my mechanic’s bandage would staunch the bleeding and prevent the need for medical intervention.

My prescription of beer and Advil didn’t work. Turns out alcohol and ibuprofen are blood thinners. Who knew?

Admitting that perhaps this cut was beyond my healing abilities as a level 17 cleric, I drove around on Monday morning looking for an open Urgent Care or Patient First. I avoid hospitals when I can. Wizards don’t live at hospitals, anyway.

The man who saw me wasn’t even trying to hide that he was a wizard. A Stitch-Wizard, to be exact. He was five-foot-one, 85 lbs, wearing a red, 1970s paisley tie that was tucked into the top of his pants. His wrinkled skin betrayed years of scrutinizing eldritch magical tomes, and his puffed grey mustache was a vain attempt to distract from his amazingly shaped wizard beard. He spoke with power and wisdom; his eyes were kind and showed me ancient, guarded knowledge.

He used his magical powers to get rid of my thumb pain and stop the lifeblood from flowing out of my body. It was awesome.

Be observant when you are out and about, for you may be interacting with wizards every day.

What manner of man are you that you can sew up skin without spells and staves?

Build little libraries everywhere. Don't actually eat any books. You'll probably get pretty sick.

Craft and Draft: Books As Diet

July 12, 2012 · Oliver Gray

I am haunted by the ghost of Jack LaLanne; his ethereal form jogs along side me, offering unsolicited, frankly terrifying fitness advice. His ecotplasm shudders and shifts as he tells me about correct form. Sometimes, late at night, I think I see his specter doing leg raises at the very edges of my periphery.

Before he leaves, he always tells me his favorite quote: “Exercise is King, nutrition is Queen, put them together and you’ve got a kingdom.”

Thanks, Jack. Sleep well sweet, fit prince. But seriously, leave me alone.

If my blog is my gym, then my books are my diet. They are the fuel for my writing, the literary calories that I ingest so that I can burn them off through vigorous finger movement.

Like normal, people food, not all books are created equal. Some are healthy, some are unhealthy. Some make you feel good, some make you feel bad. Some sharpen your mind to a perfect, number two pencil point, some turn it into a pile of amorphous goo, hardly capable of ordering something off of the dollar menu.

The key is moderation. It’s OK to cook up a burger with big thick Twilight patties, smothered in a fat-laden sauce made entirely of puréed Call of Duty fan-fiction. Just don’t do it all the time. Balance it out with a nice salad of mixed Susan Orlean with Joan Didion dressing. A nice George R.R. Martin smoothie topped with Tolkien berries makes for an excellent boost to your creative immune system.

Much like the old adage, “you are what you eat” the books that you read shape your mind and your skill. You will start to emulate whatever you read, subconsciously, whether good or bad. Much like your hot, toned body will become a sagging ruin after too many plates of bacon cheese fries, your mind will become an insipid, trite mess if you only feed it plot holes, bad grammar, and inconsistent characterization.

“You are what you read.”

Whatever you read, be critical. Train your eyes to find what is working, but also what is grinding the entire piece to a halt. Question assertions, look for substantiation. Don’t take anything at face value (Mitt Romney is a werecrocodile? I’d like to see some sources, mister). The more active you are when you read, the faster you’ll find what makes good writing good. And the faster you’ll be able to replicate it in your own writing. And the faster you’ll be fabulously rich and famous, doing book signings at Books-A-Million on the weekends.

Most importantly (if you are a writer) you have to write just as much as your read. The very basic principle for losing weight is “calories in < calories out.” It’s nice to sit and read and gather hundreds upon thousands upon millions of great ideas, but if you never sit down and commit them to Word doc, they’ll remain ideas until your brain decides it doesn’t need them any more. Or until you drink one too many beers on a Friday night.

Jack LaLanne was secretly a writing teacher. All of his advice about fitness and nutrition is applicable to our craft as well.

Make your blog workouts count. Read well.

Build little libraries everywhere. Don’t actually eat any books. You’ll probably get pretty sick.

C'mon, push it to the max! Feel the burn! Master your ass! ONE. MORE. SET.

Craft and Draft: Blog As Gym

July 11, 2012 · Oliver Gray

I never really liked going to the gym. Too many sweaty dudes scamming on make-up caked ladies. Too little actual working out.

But I’m not afraid to sweat, and I didn’t mind the concept. A place where you can go, free of distractions, designed and built for one purpose: self improvement.

We live (and write) in a place so exploding with distractions that is amazing we get anything done. If I had a clock that counted the hours I’ve wasted after being sucked into the soulless void of the internet, I would be terrified to look upon it and despair. With so much great existing content, so many other good writers adding new content, and so many beers to drink, it is a wonder we find type time to sleep, never mind write.

This is where my blog becomes my gym. I come here to write for the very sake of writing. To test new techniques, try new genres, fail at being funny. I write lots and lots of other things on the side, in hopes that someday my writing will be good enough that someone will pay me for this drek. It’s a gym for my mind and my fingers, a place where I can keep my writing muscles toned and sexy.

I’m not running a marathon here, I’m just on the treadmill.

We all need to train. Our minds, like our bodies, like our creative bits, need to be used to grow. The one piece of writing advice that seems to resonate across the entire universe of the craft is that to get better at writing, one must write. And write a lot. Write until fingernails are rimmed with blood and eyeballs sear from LCD burns, until your mind no longer recognizes gibberish from rhetoric and your loved ones fear for your sanity.

This is how you will improve. Lots of sets, lots of reps. Reading is good too, but it doesn’t work the core.

If you’re feeling like you can’t get past that frozen wall of writer’s block, maybe you’re just out of shape. Maybe you’re trying to lift a bar loaded up with 350 lbs when your current max weight is closer to 150. Maybe you just aren’t ready for that burly personal trainer carrying around the gallon jug of water yelling at you to “Push it” when you aren’t even really sure what you’re supposed to be pushing.

That’s OK. Lighten up your workout and train some more. You’ll find that after a while, your writing will be stronger. Cliches will crumble at your feet like decaying Roman ruins. Clever phrases will spring from your mind like a newly born Athena from Zeus’s throbbing skull. You will be able to write better, for longer, and most importantly, it will be easier.

You will get better, but you have to train. You have to sweat.

Go hit the gym. I’ll see you out there.

C’mon, push it to the max! Feel the burn! Master your ass! ONE. MORE. PARAGRAPH.

The glass menagerie.

On Glassware

July 5, 2012 · Oliver Gray

Glass is pretty damn cool. I mean, at maximum simplification, it is see-through sand.

Think about that for second. Totally awesome.

Contrary to popular myth (that it is a very, very, very slow moving liquid), glass is a non-crystalline solid. While traditional glass is a combination of silica, sodium, and calcium, the term “glass” can refer to any amorphous solid that goes through a “glass transition” when heated or cooled. Even metallic alloys and aqueous solutions.

Metal glass? Totally awesomer.

I give a lot of attention to the beer, but often skip an equally important part of the drinking experience: the glass. I did a quick inventory of my glassware, and will share the advantages and disadvantages of using certain types at certain times. Or something to that effect.

The glass menagerie.

The first thing that struck me as I set all of these beer-holders out in a row, was that I probably belong on an episode of Hoarders (A&E TV, feel free to contact me directly). The above pictures doesn’t even include all of my glasses, especially not those used for…juice?…water?….or whatever it is that normal people drink other than beer. I can’t believe my wife married me, based solely on the number of glasses I own.

I’d promise to not to get any more, but we all know that is a dirty, duplicitous lie. I love me some glasses.

1. The Traditional Pint

Good for: drinking beer
Bad for: not drinking beer
Use this glass when: you’re feeling particularly vanilla

It’s “pint sized” hahahahahha. Also, Rogue Dead Guy Ale is fantastic.

2. The Imperial Pint

Good for: acting particularly British
Bad for: organizing loose change
Use this glass when: you want a caramel swirl in your vanilla

Boddington’s: The Cream of Manchester. I’m pretty sure I was nursed on this, not breast milk.

 3. The Dimpler

Good for: watching re-runs of Cheers
Bad for: tables with weak legs
Use this glass when: you need a mug and a weapon

My real life “Mug’O'Hurt.”

4. The Sawed-Off

Good for: power hour
Bad for: 40 oz’ers
Use this glass when: you’re feeling dainty

Yep, that’s the bottom half of a Sol bottle, turned cup.

5. The Father-Son Team

Good for: not having to refill very often
Bad for: 9% ABV and above
Use this glass when: you’re hanging out with your pops

Two’fer

 6. Mr. Fancy-Pants

Good for: tricking people into thinking you’re much more refined that you could ever hope to be
Bad for: people with severe carpal tunnel syndrome
Use this glass when: the pants you put on this morning are undeniably fancy

It’s just a wine glass. Big deal.

7. The Belgian

Good for: pretending you’re a monk for the evening
Bad for: forgetting how many Jean Claude Van Damme movies you’ve watched over the years
Use this glass when: you’re drunkenly stumbling through the streets of Brussels

Dude had a mullet in Hard Target. Look it up.

8. The Tall Boy

Good for: not feeling short
Bad for: feeling not un-tall
Use this glass when: reading a biography about Napoleon Bonaparte

The shortest distance between two points is a straight beer.

9. The Pilsner

Good for: pilsner
Bad for: anything other than pilsner
Use this glass when: you’ve got pilsner to drink

If you look closely, there is a yellow jacket on the bottom right part of the glass. Bastard.

 10. The Ugly Step Sisters

Good for: public embarrassment
Bad for: dishwashing
Use this glass when: you have no shame

I have more of these than I care to admit.

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