It could snow

I heard that it might snow.

The man on the radio said it might snow. All of my coworkers told me we are getting anywhere from 2 inches to 7 feet. They saw it on TV, so I’m sure it’s accurate. There is even some slush on the ground, which means it tried to snow, which means it will probably really snow, which means we will have snow on top of the slush (which will be snow by the time it snows).

I understand the obsession with snow, because it only snows maybe 4-5 times a winter in this area. Such an amazing, rare event should definitely be covered very thoroughly by every possible media outlet. If I hadn’t been reminded by my radio, TV, friends, coworkers, cell phone, car, and various websites, I might have missed the news and crashed my car into other cars because of the surprise snow.

My advice to everyone is to leave work at least 5 hours early (to avoid the snow and other people driving in said snow) and beeline for the nearest grocery store. Be sure to buy plenty of soda, chips, raw meat, frozen pizzas and other disaster essentials (always assume the power won’t go out). Make sure to buy at least 3 weeks worth of food (don’t worry how silly it looks in your cart), in case it stays really cold for a while and the snow doesn’t melt quickly enough for you to escape the wintry tomb that was once your house.

When clearing off your paths/driveways/snow-covered-flat-things, be sure to shovel as quickly as possible, taking very few breaks. Lift large shovel-loads of snow using your back for extra leverage. If you feel faint, it means you’re doing it right. Drink plenty of alcohol while shoveling, as it will help keep you warm in the frigid climate.

Also be sure to remind everyone that you see that it might snow. Use clever and never-before-heard terms like, “snOMG” and “Snopocalypse”. These are witty and people will appreciate that you are both smart AND helpful. It is important we get the message out to as many as people as possible, so that they can get to a liquor store before the storm gets too intense.

I recommend making your Gmail, Facebook, and Twitter status somehow related to the snow. Try to make sure your phrases are topical and specific, like, “9-18 inches in Moco, holla atcha sleddas!”, “Alpha Omega Phi snow-ball fight in the quad at 2:00 am!”, “Snowed in on my half-birthday, so lame nature!” Exclamation points are key. Status updates let people know that you know, so that they don’t need to tell you.

Finally, be sure to comment on posts from anyone in the North East or Midwest who says, “Pfft, 2 inches is lame, we get 900 feet every week!” Be sure to remind them that we don’t get that much snow and people here “can’t drive lol”, plus the Metro sucks and stuff. Don’t worry if it seems irrelevant or lacks factual support, your irrational geographical pride is all you need to emphasize.

If we don’t get any snow, be sure to blame the weathermen, NOAA, FEMA, DHS, or anyone else who had no possible control over a massive meteorological event. Call your boss and try to pretend like you actually did get a ton of snow and you still can’t make it into the office.

When it snows in (your area) wild beardogwolves camp outside pizza shops, hoping to catch someone trying to 'rassle up some emergency pepperoni extra cheese pies. You have been warned.

NOTE: If you hear thunder while it is snowing, it means the four horsemen are riding down upon us to smite us for various/sundry/myriad sins. Make sure to update your status accordingly.