It May Rain

It has come to my attention that some sort of storm front is moving our way. In order to help my fellow citizens cope with and survive this incoming calamity, I have composed the following lists of advice/preparatory activities:

Nutritional Provisions List (in order of importance):

Beer (preferably canned and cheap for prolonged shelf-life and drunkification factor)
Wine (preferably boxed, for the above reasons)
Dry, sugary cereal (because the last thing you need is to run out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, mid-storm)
Bananas (because who doesn’t like bananas? People who don’t survive hurricanes, that’s who)
Bottled water (for the hangover from the aforementioned beer and wine)
Impractical amounts of meat and frozen dinners/pizzas (if the power goes out, you could always cook them on your camping stove in your living room)
Canned olives (in case you feel like having a martini)
A dozen cans of mixed nuts (to feed the swarm of rodents that will inevitably take shelter in your basement)
A whole crapload of bread (to feed the swarm of water fowl that will inevitably take shelter in your basement)
400, $1.00 taco bell burritos (to feed the swarm of your stupid friends that will inevitably take shelter in your basement)
Spaghetti-o’s (Uh oh)

Survival Items List (in random order):

Candles (for Ouija board séances and shit)
Flashlight (for adding drama to your drunken reading of the children’s book, “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark”)
Netbook/cell phone (to keep the world up-to-date of your various level of boredom at being stuck inside during the “Stupid Hurricane”)
Shot glasses (for hurricane related drinking games – take a shot every time the wind blows!)
Swiss army knife (for opening cans or killing your housemates for food…should you run out of $1.00 burritos)
Guitar (to keep entertained with the analog version of Guitar Hero)
Books (I know, you might have to read. I won’t tell anyone)
Various sacrifices (living or symbolic) for HURRICANTOX – the Hurricane God

Things to do before shit goes pear-shaped:

Siphon the gas out of your neighbor’s cars so that they aren’t clogging up your street if you need to evacuate
Buy your pets little cat and dog (and fish?) ponchos
Build a pillow fort
Create an emergency preparedness plan that you’ll immediate forget/abandon as soon as you realize you’re in the middle of a real emergency
Make bets on how much damage will be done in certain areas
Tell your “west coast friends” how easy they have it because they don’t have to live through life-ruining hurricanes
Start developing your elaborate story as to why the hurricane will keep you from going to work on Monday

If you haven’t started preparing, you’re probably totally screwed. This is going to be as bad as or three hundred times worse than experts are projecting. If Ocean City, Maryland disappears beneath the waves in a fatalistic swing of Neptune’s wrath, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.