The Emotional Lifecycle of New Video Game Ownership

The highly anticipated multiplayer video game from the big-time gaming company is finally available. It’s an FPS, it’s an RTS, it’s an MMO! You’ve been waiting for this moment for months and your unbridled joy is making the people close to you uncomfortable.

Thus begins the emotional lifecycle of playing a new game:

1. Excitement

No time to go all the way to the store to buy a physical copy of the game, I’ll just download it! Sweet, that was fast! Only 38MBs, that’s crazy. Installed already? Whoa, these splash screens are awesome. I have seen the future, and this is it.

Oh. A 4GB patch. Followed by a 3.2GB patch. Followed by a 2 hour install. That’s OK; I didn’t have to get out of my chair, so this is still a net victory. I’ll just read reviews of the game and all of the available wiki information until the install is done!

What. The. Shit. This intro cinematic is the single greatest thing to ever happen in video game history. How did people make this? It deserves a Grammy. What? Those are only for music? Well whatever, the music is amazing too. Give this all the awards possible.

I submit, after having played for 10 minutes, that this is the greatest piece of art and entertainment ever created by mortals. Zeus himself would have hosted a LAN party while Hera was out of town visiting her mother to play this game.

2. Confusion

Alright, I made my character! He looks exactly like me, except much more athletic and charming. Also, he’s 9 feet tall and blue. What is this tiny robed guy doing? Who are all these people running around with huge weapons? Why is all this stuff on my screen? I clicked the guy, but he won’t do anything! HOW PLAY GAME??

Calm down, you can figure this out. So these buttons move the guy, and that one makes him jump, and ohmygod I’ve got a laser pistol. What can I shoot? Why do I have to talk to all these people? I have a laser gun, let me laser stuff. Can I laser that robot? No? That is bad game design. I could have designed it so much better.

So I’ve collected a lot of these yellow data core things, but I can’t do anything with them. I tried selling them, but apparently this vendor only wants to buy the garbage I find, not anything worth anything. I’ll ask someone in general chat. What do you mean by “L2P noob?” I’m asking because…wait, what about my mother? She doesn’t even use a compu…whoa, dude, I asked because…ouch. Can anyone help me? I just thought I’d ask to…never mind.

Screw this, I’ll just Google it.

3. Comfort

Ding level 15! I got this down now. This game is pretty awesome, after you figure out all the key binds and class options. The graphics are so awesome, and I only have them on lowest setting. I can’t wait to finish up this zone, I heard you get to ride a freakin’ flying dinosaur to get to the next area.

Boom! Zap! Pew pew pew! Oh man, I’m so good, no one can beat me. Did you see that? I totally just took out like 10 dudes at once. I’m like the best player on this sever. Maybe in the whole game. I should probably become a professional gamer.

Look at that guy in the glowing armor. I can’t wait to be like him. I’m going to be so cool.

4. Apathy

Guess I’ll login and see what’s going on. I already have three max level characters with the best possible gear, but I guess I could start a new one. Maybe I’ll make that one class that sucks and everyone hates just to prove that it doesn’t suck. Nah, I’ll just run around and kill low level people until I get bored.

Oh, you want to show me that quad-barreled, incendiary, fully automatic rocket launcher that you just found? Yea, I threw one of those away earlier to make space in my bags. It pretty much sucks. You want the most powerful sword in the game, for free? I’ve got 3 of them.

I’ll be back in like 5 minutes; I have to go kill the hardest boss in the game again.

5. Closure

Nah man, I don’t feel like running that dungeon. It’s all the same stuff, you know? Kill bad guys, pick up gear, sell most of it because you already have better, do it all over again. It’s getting kind of old. I think I ran a dungeon while I was asleep last night.

Yea, the game is fun and stuff, but there isn’t enough variety. I mean, owning and commanding your own star fleet is pretty cool, I guess. Yea, I can use my mastery of ancient powerful magic to literally explode people, but meh. I don’t know. I just don’t feel it anymore. I miss the good old days, before they ruined it all to cater to the casual players.

I wonder what other games are coming out soon.

6. Repeat

No time to go all the way to the store to buy a physical copy of the game, I’ll just download it! Sweet, that was fast! Only 38 MBs, that’s crazy. Installed already? Whoa, these splash screens are awesome.

I have seen the future, and this is it.