After class on a weekday. Late. Gotta eat.
Chipotle? Closed. Wendy’s? Nah. Burger King? Meh. Taco Bell? Uh, I guess?
I could always cook something, but I’d probably fall asleep midway through and burn my house down with a smoldering pot of pasta.
I stared at the menu like it’s some kind of alien lexicon. I hadn’t eaten Taco Bell in a long time. I considered a burrito, but had flash backs of college. And tequila. And finding cheese and tomatoes in my bed on a Sunday morning.
In a moment of panic and desperation, I picked the most absurd thing on the menu.
I can’t believe I’m going to admit this. I actually ate the Doritos-shelled monstrosity from Taco Bell.
Two of them.
I swear I’m normally healthier than this. I swear.
The Doritos Locos Tacos – The only thing loco is that the Yum! Brands, Inc. marketing team thought this was a good idea.
Disclaimers:
1. Yes, I know that Taco Bell “beef” is mostly wood pulp and cat litter.
2. Yes, I know I probably took a year or two off my life by eating this.
3. No, it doesn’t come in a pre-opened fun-sized bag of Doritos like on the commercials.
The Verdict:
Ignoring how disgustingly unhealthy it probably is, this thing isn’t so bad. After you get past the bright orange, Dutch-soccer-team color of the taco, it tastes exactly like you’d expect it would. Sort of like dipping a Dorito into seven-layer dip, minus guacamole and beans and all the other wonders of seven-layer dip.
It has all the advantages of a taco (portability, crunchability, gas) with all the disadvantages of a Dorito (“magical cheese dust” on your fingers, corn after taste, gas). I find that the flavors don’t enhance each other, but don’t detract from each other either. It’s the Switzerland of fried corn-based foodstuffs: neutral as hell.
I probably won’t ever eat one again. I’m really worried about what this has done to the longevity and functionality of my digestive tract. I feel sullied, and not in the good kind of way.
I can’t recommend it, but I can’t tell you not to try it. This kind of ambivalence is hard to achieve. I guess you should try it if your morbid curiosity compels you to. I guess you shouldn’t try it if you have a weak stomach.
I can only really recommend that you not go to Taco Bell at all. It’s for the best, really.
I tried to take a picture of the taco, but the goblin inside my camera refused to capture anything more than an orange blur. Instead, here is a relevant meme:
"Good news everyone! You're now reading this in Professor Farnsworth's voice."
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