Friday, 9:29 p.m.
Oliver: Oh hey Yuengling! What’s up?
Yuengling: Hey Oliver…
Oliver: Are you OK? You sound weird.
Yuengling: Yea…I’m OK…hey I’m glad you’re around…we need to talk.
Oliver: We do? What do you mean?
Yuengling: This isn’t working out. We’re growing apart. I feel like we don’t even talk anymore.
Oliver: Yuengs…baby…don’t do this. We can work through this…I’ve just been really busy at school, and…
Yuengling: Oliver…don’t make this harder than it already is. I think it’s time we go out drinking with other beers.
Oliver: No, no…we can’t…we’ve been through so much! I love you Yuengling!
Yuengling: Goodbye Oliver.
Saturday, 2:21 a.m.
Yuengling: He…hello? Oliver?
Oliver: Yuengssssss baby! Hey! Hi! Sup? Sup yo! Yo yo.
Yuengling: Oliver. Do you have any idea what time it is? Are you drunk?
Oliver: Noooooooo. Nope. Maybe. You don’t know! I only had like four hundred and sixty THOUSAND shots. Hahahahahha.
Yuengling: You’re an idiot.
Oliver: And you’re a bitch! No, I’m sorry, I dinnnn’t mean that. I’m just druuuunnkkkk. Hey. Hey. Can we talk? Like, about us?
Yuengling: I don’t think that is a good idea Oliver. Maybe we can talk once you wake up.
Oliver: You alllwaaays say that. You never let me say what I wanna say. I’m jusss trying to tell you words about stuff. About important stuff. Life stuff. Hey. Heeeey. You wanna go get Chipotle? You think they’re open? I’m so hunnnngry!
Yuengling: Go to bed, Oliver. Drink some water. Call me when you grow up.
Oliver: You cannnit tell me how I can do. What I can do. Do. Yea, I’ll be right there. I KNOW, it’s my ex. I KNOW.
Yuengling: Wait, who is that? Is that another beer in the background? I thought I heard the sound of a bottle opening.
Oliver: Whaaaa? Nooooo. No way dude. You so cray. Um, I gotta go or something OK byyyeeee.
Saturday, 10:12 a.m.
::Bzzzzzt:: ::Bzzzzzzt:: ::Bzzzzzt::
Yuengling: Hey there champ, how you feeling?
Oliver: I can’t feel my face.
Yuengling: Did you drink any water? Do you remember calling me last night?
Oliver: I called you? Shit.
Yuengling: Yea, you did. It was pretty funny. Who were you with last night?
Oliver: Oh…just the guys. Some other people came over, I think. I remember someone with an abundance of bubbles and carbonation.
Yuengling: I thought I heard some other beers in the background.
Oliver: Oh, yea, I think some of Steve’s friends came over. I didn’t know them.
Yuengling: Oh, OK. Hey, I was thinking, maybe I rushed things…can we meet up tod…what was that? Did I hear a giggle?
Oliver: Huh? No…that was the TV…
Yuengling: I knew I heard other beers! Are you with that slut, Brooklyn East India Pale Ale!? Do you have any idea how many pint glasses she has been in? I know her type, everyone thinks she’s exotic with that “East” in front of IPA, but she’s nothing special.
Oliver: Hey, she was here with her IPA-like flavor and relatively subtle hopping. She cared about my opinions of what glassware works for what beers. Plus, I distinctly remember you breaking up with me.
Yuengling: You are such a pig. We were on a break.
Oliver: Sounded like a breakup to me. Anyway, me and Brooklyn are going to get some breakfast. Probably something that will help get rid of this hang over, and the bitter after taste she left in my mouth.
Yuengling: You were many things in our time Oliver, but cruel was never one of them.
Oliver: I’m sorry Yuengling, I never meant to hurt you…it just happened. I had an empty glass, and she was an open bottle. I hope someday we can work out our differences and be friends.
9 out of 10.
Next up: Harpoon IPA!