The Merchant of Venice Beach
Oliver – The reasonable guy
Snake – The party guy
Scene: It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m trying to get some chores done, when Snake Dog IPA comes strolling in, looking to party.
“Hey Snake, I can’t hang out right now.”
“Awww come on man! Just a few games of ‘pong, maybe shotgun a few brewskis?”
::Snake pantomimes throwing an invisible ping pong ball at some invisible cups. He flips his wrist at the end to suggest he “swished”::
“No, really, I can’t. I’ve got a lot that needs to get done today.”
“Man, you are harshing my buzz. You never wanna party anymore, you’ve changed man. You’ve changed.
“Don’t give me that Snake, I’m older now, I have responsibilities. I can’t just party all day like you.”
“Ouch dude, ouch. You know I’ve been taking bar tending classes part time. And my dad totally told me I could intern at his pastry factory.”
“That’s great Snake. I can hang out later, just not right now.”
“Fine. Whatever. I’m out-y 5000.”
::Snake proceeds to open and take a drink of himself before staggering off stage::
Scene: At an indefinite point later that night, after Oliver has finished most of his chores. Snake, drunk by now, knocks boisterously on Oliver’s front door.
“Duuuuude, you gotta meet these chicks man. These chicks are so hot.”
“Snake, that’s a broom and a mop.”
“You’re just jellyyyyyy.”
::Snake blows a kiss to the mop::
“I see you’ve been drinking yourself again. You need to get your life together. At 7.1% ABV, you’re going to drink your life, and yourself, away.”
“I’m sorry maaan, I just can’t face being an adult. The transition from no responsibility to total responsibility was weeeeaak. I expect my life to be different…y’know?”
“That’s life, Snake. Responsibility can be fun. You can learn to enjoy things differently. You learn to sip instead of chug. Appreciate the good flavors over the alcohol content. There is freedom and pride in being independent. Now come inside before you get arrested for public intoxication.”
::Snake begins to cry and comes inside. He promptly passes out on the couch, cuddling the mop and broom::
Scene: Snake wakes up on Oliver’s couch, hungover, inexplicably holding some cleaning supplies.
“How you feeling this morning?”
“How did I get here?”
“You came over last night, remember? You drank a lot of yourself, you were less than half full when you got here.”
“Oh man. Did I score?”
“Not unless you count sweeping my kitchen as scoring.”
“I gotta stop this shit.”
“Yes. Yes you do.”
9 out of 10.
Next up: Sam Adams Belgian Session Ale!