The Summer sun is encroaching on my enjoyment of Spring. Listen, Sol, we had a lame-ass winter and you got to play all through November, December, January, and February. Can you go take a nap or something so that I can enjoy this perfect, 70 degree weather for a while?
No? You’re such a dick. Next thing you’ll be burning my skin and heating the inside of my car to unreasonable temperatures. Did you not get enough attention as a kid? Are you jealous of the other, bigger stars in our galaxy?
Get over it. You’re not so special. You’re just a big ball of burning hydrogen like everyone else. I know you think you’re hot shit because of the whole heliocentric view of the solar system thing, but I see right through that.
You’re just a big bully.
I know how to deal with bullies. Fire with fire. Or in this case, fire with beer. Which kind of ruins the analogy, but whatever. You can pour your oppressive rays down all you want. I’ve got a secret weapon: Sam Adams Summer Ale.
When chilled to the proper temperature of around 57.2 degrees (F), this summer ale is like a fire hydrant in a bottle. It is calm, and cool and doesn’t try too hard. It’s what I imagine Brad Pitt would be like if he was turned into a beer. It has got the power to douse a raging inferno or a Balrog of Morgoth, whichever you may be facing at the time.
Its delicious golden bubbles are a torrent of refreshment, pouring decadently from the bottle as if it was the pure, unwavering embodiment of all things cool.
It is an ice pack on your neck. It is instant relief. It is that moment your skin hits the water as you drunkenly cannon ball into your neighbor’s pool.
It is a cold tile floor. It is the antisummer.
It also makes for a great grilling beer. Sweet, a bit spicy, refreshing through-and-through. If you’re about to throw some steaks on the grill (or if you’re weird like me, assorted veggies in a basket) pour yourself a nice big pint of Sam Adams Summer Ale. Maybe two, if it’s that hot out.
It’s like giving the Sun the middle finger and saying, “Pfffft, you ain’t so tough.”
8.75 out of 10.
Next up: Flying Dog Classic Pale Ale!