I was born with very blonde hair. Total towhead. I looked a lot like Paris Hilton, only shorter. I’d post a picture if I could find one, but for now you’ll just have to take my word for it.
As my middle school years whizzed by, my luscious golden locks mellowed into a dirty blonde. After high school, it darkened to a rich walnut. At this rate, I expect it to be raven’s wing black by the time I am 40. Either that or my hair is going to actually start capturing light and matter in an event horizon somewhere near my forehead. I’ll call it, “The Blackhole Bob.”
As a former blonde, I appreciate the plight of current blondes. There is a lot of pressure for one with fair hair to be ditsy and frivolous, even if you’re not in the mood for such lighthearted nonsense. The stereotype afflicting all blondes is unfair, as some are perfectly capable of doing math, swimming unassisted, and driving a car without crashing it into anything and everything.
Stereotypes are wrong, but they exist for a reason. Out there, some blondes are giving the rest of the blondes a bad name. Every time someone says, “I was having a blonde moment”, every other blonde person in the world loses one strand of hair. It’s a sad truth, but soon, all blonde people will be bald.
No, I don’t have anything to back this up, but it’s science. You don’t question science.
But, with stigma comes lifestyle, and with lifestyle comes eventual acceptance. Blondes may be synonymous with “dumb”, but they’re also synonymous with “exotic” and “fun.”
Blonde? Exotic? What am I drinking?
Stay with me. Historically, blondes were a minority; a tiny little subset of humans who had hair like straw, yellow and flaxen. These blondes usually had pale skin as well, making them even appear even stranger. This was a sharp contrast from the olive skin and dark hair prevalent across the middle east and Mediterranean regions, and the blondes (often Nordic) were regarded as scary and fearsome because their hair was like the sun. The light reflecting off of their hair even caused some to think they were angelic; their shining manes a mortal halo and tangible proof of their divinity.
As is the case with humans, most people were afraid of what the didn’t understand, and blondes had a rough time fitting in. People threw stuff at them a lot. Usually stones, which hurt if they hit you. To counter this, many blonde headed people dyed their hair brown or at least some shade darker, to fit into the Roman ideal of beauty.
Seems ironic that people now do the exact opposite for the same reason. Oh human race, you so crazy.
I digress. Blondes are great. Especially blonde beers. Double especially blonde bocks. They’re usually carefree and pretty, and know how to have fun. They’re brewed with pale or golden malts and brewed with a high gravity yeast which results in a heavy, sweet lager. Blondes also taste great, but that’s hardly appropriate conversation for the likes of a blog.
Gordon Biersch knows what’s up, and brewed a Blonde Bock that is tasty, fun, smooth, and refreshing. This is the kind of blonde you’d want to spend a wild summer day with, but at 7% ABV, unfortunately not the kind you’d want to bring home to mom and dad.
9 out of 10.
Next up: Troegs Hop Back Amber Ale!