Glass is pretty damn cool. I mean, at maximum simplification, it is see-through sand.
Think about that for second. Totally awesome.
Contrary to popular myth (that it is a very, very, very slow moving liquid), glass is a non-crystalline solid. While traditional glass is a combination of silica, sodium, and calcium, the term “glass” can refer to any amorphous solid that goes through a “glass transition” when heated or cooled. Even metallic alloys and aqueous solutions.
Metal glass? Totally awesomer.
I give a lot of attention to the beer, but often skip an equally important part of the drinking experience: the glass. I did a quick inventory of my glassware, and will share the advantages and disadvantages of using certain types at certain times. Or something to that effect.
The glass menagerie.
The first thing that struck me as I set all of these beer-holders out in a row, was that I probably belong on an episode of Hoarders (A&E TV, feel free to contact me directly). The above pictures doesn’t even include all of my glasses, especially not those used for…juice?…water?….or whatever it is that normal people drink other than beer. I can’t believe my wife married me, based solely on the number of glasses I own.
I’d promise to not to get any more, but we all know that is a dirty, duplicitous lie. I love me some glasses.
1. The Traditional Pint
Good for: drinking beer
Bad for: not drinking beer
Use this glass when: you’re feeling particularly vanilla
It’s “pint sized” hahahahahha. Also, Rogue Dead Guy Ale is fantastic.
2. The Imperial Pint
Good for: acting particularly British
Bad for: organizing loose change
Use this glass when: you want a caramel swirl in your vanilla
Boddington’s: The Cream of Manchester. I’m pretty sure I was nursed on this, not breast milk.
3. The Dimpler
Good for: watching re-runs of Cheers
Bad for: tables with weak legs
Use this glass when: you need a mug and a weapon
My real life “Mug’O’Hurt.”
4. The Sawed-Off
Good for: power hour
Bad for: 40 oz’ers
Use this glass when: you’re feeling dainty
Yep, that’s the bottom half of a Sol bottle, turned cup.
5. The Father-Son Team
Good for: not having to refill very often
Bad for: 9% ABV and above
Use this glass when: you’re hanging out with your pops
Two’fer
6. Mr. Fancy-Pants
Good for: tricking people into thinking you’re much more refined that you could ever hope to be
Bad for: people with severe carpal tunnel syndrome
Use this glass when: the pants you put on this morning are undeniably fancy
It’s just a wine glass. Big deal.
7. The Belgian
Good for: pretending you’re a monk for the evening
Bad for: forgetting how many Jean Claude Van Damme movies you’ve watched over the years
Use this glass when: you’re drunkenly stumbling through the streets of Brussels
Dude had a mullet in Hard Target. Look it up.
8. The Tall Boy
Good for: not feeling short
Bad for: feeling not un-tall
Use this glass when: reading a biography about Napoleon Bonaparte
The shortest distance between two points is a straight beer.
9. The Pilsner
Good for: pilsner
Bad for: anything other than pilsner
Use this glass when: you’ve got pilsner to drink
If you look closely, there is a yellow jacket on the bottom right part of the glass. Bastard.
10. The Ugly Step Sisters
Good for: public embarrassment
Bad for: dishwashing
Use this glass when: you have no shame
I have more of these than I care to admit.
Nice. Very humorous analysis. I’m becoming a bigger proponent of quality glassware. I even made waded into the “does it make beer taste better” debate. http://wp.me/p2ucmM-5u
I have no empirical evidence that certain glasses make certain things taste better, but I have plenty of experiential evidence. The only glass I’ve seen that REALLY made a difference was the Jim Koch Boston Lager glass, and I think that was mainly because I liked the bubbles made by the etching on the bottom.
I will run some arbitrary tests this weekend and let you know how it turns out!
Thanks for reading 🙂
This was different and fun. I have a few of those ugly steins as well. I also love the fact that a yellow jacket totally photobombed you.
Freakin’ yellow jacket. At least he had the decency to not sting me.
Next post by Oliver: “How to build a cabinet for glassware so your stupid pet doesn’t destroy half of them”. I would write it myself, but I’m afraid it would bring back the PTSD!
More like, “How to not cut your feet on the broken glass created when your poorly constructed, home made china cabinet collapsed under the weight of your two fatass cats.”
Or something.
LMAO! So true, brutha! So true! Damn cats! They’re just jealous because they don’t have thumbs to hold kick ass beer steins!
A very impressive collection. We have a small selection of those metal beer steins that people give you to remember special occasions. Only good for holding pencils, really.
Very impressed by your glassware but even more so that you know that glass is NOT a liquid. Few things irritate me more than this misconception, which is admittedly a very weird thing to be precious about 🙂
Thanks Jamie! I remember questioning the “glass as liquid” thing back in high school chemistry class. Never made any sense to me!
Ha! As a glass artist, and a fan of pretentious affectation, I adore this post. Have you seen this fabulousness? http://popchartlab.com/collections/prints/products/the-very-very-many-varieties-of-beer Warning: may lead to the purchase of tulip glasses.
Thanks for stopping by! I actually have a set of tulip glasses already! And a leather “mug” from Rennfest. What is wrong with me?
This is an incredibly awesome post and it made me laugh out loud. Turns out I’ve been drinking my beer out of the wrong glass! Thanks for teaching me something new. Prost!
Glad you liked it! I’ve been drinking mine out of leather mug as of late, just for fun. Cheers!