On Glassware

Glass is pretty damn cool. I mean, at maximum simplification, it is see-through sand.

Think about that for second. Totally awesome.

Contrary to popular myth (that it is a very, very, very slow moving liquid), glass is a non-crystalline solid. While traditional glass is a combination of silica, sodium, and calcium, the term “glass” can refer to any amorphous solid that goes through a “glass transition” when heated or cooled. Even metallic alloys and aqueous solutions.

Metal glass? Totally awesomer.

I give a lot of attention to the beer, but often skip an equally important part of the drinking experience: the glass. I did a quick inventory of my glassware, and will share the advantages and disadvantages of using certain types at certain times. Or something to that effect.

The glass menagerie.

The first thing that struck me as I set all of these beer-holders out in a row, was that I probably belong on an episode of Hoarders (A&E TV, feel free to contact me directly). The above pictures doesn’t even include all of my glasses, especially not those used for…juice?…water?….or whatever it is that normal people drink other than beer. I can’t believe my wife married me, based solely on the number of glasses I own.

I’d promise to not to get any more, but we all know that is a dirty, duplicitous lie. I love me some glasses.

1. The Traditional Pint

Good for: drinking beer
Bad for: not drinking beer
Use this glass when: you’re feeling particularly vanilla

It’s “pint sized” hahahahahha. Also, Rogue Dead Guy Ale is fantastic.

2. The Imperial Pint

Good for: acting particularly British
Bad for: organizing loose change
Use this glass when: you want a caramel swirl in your vanilla

Boddington’s: The Cream of Manchester. I’m pretty sure I was nursed on this, not breast milk.

3. The Dimpler

Good for: watching re-runs of Cheers
Bad for: tables with weak legs
Use this glass when: you need a mug and a weapon

My real life “Mug’O’Hurt.”

4. The Sawed-Off

Good for: power hour
Bad for: 40 oz’ers
Use this glass when: you’re feeling dainty

Yep, that’s the bottom half of a Sol bottle, turned cup.

5. The Father-Son Team

Good for: not having to refill very often
Bad for: 9% ABV and above
Use this glass when: you’re hanging out with your pops

Two’fer

6. Mr. Fancy-Pants

Good for: tricking people into thinking you’re much more refined that you could ever hope to be
Bad for: people with severe carpal tunnel syndrome
Use this glass when: the pants you put on this morning are undeniably fancy

It’s just a wine glass. Big deal.

7. The Belgian

Good for: pretending you’re a monk for the evening
Bad for: forgetting how many Jean Claude Van Damme movies you’ve watched over the years
Use this glass when: you’re drunkenly stumbling through the streets of Brussels