::Fade in to man washing dishes in a brightly lit, country-style kitchen::
“I’m not just a beer drinker; I’m a beer enthusiast. But when I noticed that my every conversation inevitably turned to beer, and saw all my friends roll their eyes and make excuses to get away from me at parties, I decided it was time to go see my doctor.”
::Cut to scene of man rubbing his throat and wincing, trying to talk to his doctor::
“My doctor told me I was suffering from Hopothermia, a relatively common condition that affects 40-50 percent of all craft beer drinkers between the ages of 21 and 85. Hopothermia numbs the lining of your tongue and brain, causing taste bud amnesia and temporary insanity. When I began to tell my doctor my feelings about AB-InBev’s purchase of 10 Barrel Brewing, he prescribed Pintiptor™ (Imbibvimutinal).”
::Cut to scene of smiling man lifting five-gallon carboys of golden-colored liquids::
Soothing Voiceover: When rambling on Facebook and Twitter aren’t enough, adding Pintiptor™ can help reduce the chances of boring everyone around you. Pintiptor™ helps to assuage your need to scrutinize every business decision in the brewing industry by pinpointing the receptors in your brain that help you remember that you started drinking beer because it tastes good. In clinical trials, patients saw a 100 percent increase in drinking beer without overthinking it. Beer drinking adults reported a 50 percent reduction in having opinions about Stone Brewing in as little as four months when taking Pintiptor™.
::Cut to scene of man smiling with his wife, sharing a bomber of local beer::
Soothing Voiceover: Pintiptor™ is not for everyone; including people with liver problems and women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant. Tell your doctor if you are on any other medications, or experience any strong opinions about wine or scotch, as this may be the sign of seriously annoying side effect.
Pintiptor™ can lower your ability to fight internet trolls, including beer snobs. Serious and sometimes embarrassing side effects like vomiting in public, sleeping past noon on a Saturday, and having to admit you don’t know when the latest hyped seasonal will be released can occur. Before starting Pintiptor™, ask your doctor to test you for pretentiousness. Ask your doctor if you live in or have been to a region where certain yeast infections are common. High blood sugar and original gravity has been reported in patients who take Pintiptor™. Other risks include increased drymouth, lack of ability to make small talk in taprooms, flavor overload, people thinking you’re a cool person, forgetting how to use Twitter, and simple beer appreciation, which may become permanent. Call your doctor if you experience worsening symptoms, or suddenly develop an interest in the grooming habits of Greg Koch or Garrett Oliver.
::Cut to scene of man sitting at table in restaurant with friends, laughing and drinking a plain old amber ale::
“It feels great to drink beer just to enjoy it again.”
Soothing Voiceover: Tell your doctor if you’ve ever had beard envy, malt mania, or brewer’s elbow, or are prone to hypochondria. You should not start Pintiptor™ if you have any kind of real, financial stake in the brewing industry.
If you can’t afford your medication, AstraZeneca and MillerCoors may be able to help.
::Show Pintiptor™ Logo::
Enjoy beer again. Ask your doctor about Pintiptor™ today.