Chicago, Illinois – Even though the owner’s native language is arguably the most malleable and creative in all spoken linguistic history, a new startup brewery in the Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago has decided to name their flagship citra dry-hopped India Pale Ale: “IP T&A.”
James Grimshaw, former homebrewer and founder of Barkin’ Big Dawgs Brewing Company – who speaks perfectly acceptable English and apparently even read a Shakespeare play in college – explained the reasoning behind the names. “We brainstormed for like an hour but kept coming back to these,” said Grimshaw, seemingly unaware that literally the entire lexicon of the English language was available to him at the time he chose the names. “I think it will really resonate with the guys, you know?” added Grimshaw, as he high-fived his partner and head brewer, Gavin Johnson, who from outward appearances, also seems functionally literate.
As the two men walked the floor of their corner warehouse space adjacent to a CVS that contained thousands of products with names that didn’t objectify and belittle half of the population, they explained the concept of the new start up. “We know it’s edgy and some people won’t like it,” said Grimshaw, who, despite correctly and freely using technical brewing jargon and complicated process descriptions, still submitted official paperwork to the Tax and Trade Bureau that sounded like it was written by a horny 7th grader. “The market will decide, that’s what we say.”
“I dunno, like, it’s funny and sexy, which is sort of what we’re going for in terms of theme,” added Johnson, who, having lived for 38 years in an English-speaking nation, has said, heard, and read countless linguistic flourishes like pun, rhyme, allusion, alliteration, assonance, metaphor, simile, hyperbole, personification, and symbolism, but still opted to name his beer after boobs. “You can’t please all of the people all of the time,” he continued, invoking a casual literary reference and colloquial idiom that proved his awareness of both.
The brewery’s other beers will – in what can only be called a direct insult to every writer, poet, and linguist who ever bothered to articulate their ideas thoughtfully and cleverly – follow a similar naming convention. Grimshaw, a self-described doting husband and attentive father to three daughters aged 2, 5, and 8, noted that the blonde ale will “definitely have the word ‘stacked’ in the name” and “the amber ale will for sure reference a smokin’ hot redhead.”
“We really see Half-Acre [Beer Company] as a local inspiration,” explained Johnson, an acknowledgement that shows the two men realize beer doesn’t have to be named after sexualized female body parts. “5 Rabbit, too!” added Grimshaw, introducing the baffling detail that the two adult men understand beers can be named anything across multiple languages and still, somehow, opted to go with the tits approach.
“It’s really all about the beer,” said Grimshaw, even though his decision to not even dip his toe into the massive, ever-undulating ocean of boundless creativity when naming his products pretty much guarantees that ultimately, it will not really all be about the beer.
Sources confirm that – even though Grimshaw is also openly aware of the existence of famous artists, the general aesthetics of Western culture, and the various mediums one can use to create visual art – the brewey plans to pair the new names with labels featuring crudely drawn images of disembodied cleavage and shapely female buttocks. At time of press, Grimshaw was heard saying, “it’s OK though, a girl drew them.”