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Browsing Tags 2012

2013 – A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning

December 30, 2013 · by Oliver Gray

I brimmed with optimism at the close of 2012, having finished the year in the warm and fuzzy embrace of freshly minted marriage, and with the prospects of a cancer-free future for my father tied to an upcoming bone marrow transplant like a curled red ribbon of hope. The outlook was golden a year ago today, for me, for my family, for my life.

But now, as the last few rays of this setting year are about to be clipped by a calendar horizon, all those spots of joy in 2013 that should be illuminated by sunset’s final shine are lost to shadow. I should feel so satisfied, so blessed to have been able to achieve what I did this year, but no light seems to penetrate the heavy black robes that lurk and lurch around the corner of every memory and at the edges of every photograph.

I finished my master’s degree a few weeks ago, but the sugary sweetness of that achievement is sour on my tongue like Belgian chocolate made with rancid milk. I won an award for my writing, the first formal recognition of its kind, but the Richter scale of my emotions won’t register anything below world shaking fault.

I wish I could dig deep into the swirling mess of stomach acid and nausea to find a good word to say about this year – because there certainly were some great singular events and experiences – but it’s really difficult right now. Every time I stick my hands into the bloody guts of my reality, I find nothing but regret and fear and a whole pantheon of emotions I try so desperately to keep locked in Hades.

But life has a way of perpetually trying to strike a balance, teeter-tottering and see-sawing, sometimes wildly, like a poorly calibrated set of scales. I managed 28 years without any major swings downward. Perhaps, in some incomprehensible twist, the universe is pulling me back to center after nearly three decades of steady climb. Not a wake up call necessarily, as I’m already pretty conscious, but more of a baseline, a level set, a reminder that the bigger the light, the longer the shadow.

In the midst of reeling loss, I got to see the posthumous results of loving deeply, working passionately, and squeezing every drop of wonder out of this lemon wedge of life. And not just well written obituaries and eloquent eulogies, but the full cascade of love that falls down so beautifully in torrents, a person’s passing wake that washes over those left behind to purify, to pacify. I got to literally revel in the echo of a fulfilled soul, remember it, feel it, suddenly appreciate it in a way I never imagined possible when it was breathing and laughing, all corporeal and here and now.

I witnessed something in death that I think is often hidden behind the veil of mourning. I saw how one can reach and effect so many, and what even a fleeting relationship or casual conversation can mean as I connected with people who I hadn’t seen or talked to in years to share memories of my dad. I ate and drank and smiled and cried and in my most doleful moments realized that the best people go out with one last ripple of energy, a wave that brings everyone together not out of sadness, but out of admiration and adoration of a life well lived.

I lost two role models this year, but I gained some perspective. I have some tangible goals for 2014 that I’ll work hard to realize, but those are just pages in an ever-growing book. My biggest goal is to live in such a way that my book is worth reading, and that when you close the back cover and place it back on the shelf, you’ll remember who wrote it, and how much he loved this life, despite how unfair chapter 13 might have seemed.

oread

“As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No” – Donne

Literature and Elation: 2012/2013

December 27, 2012 · by Oliver Gray

If I were asked to describe this year in three words, I would say:

“I can’t describe this year in three words because that is far too few words and to do so is really only a silly exercise in trying to minimize a ton of exciting events into a representative, easily digestible symbol.”

-or-

“Really freakin’ amazing.”

In summation, this year I: got married to the greatest lady in the history of ladies, started and fell in love with grad school, was Freshly Pressed (twice! I know, I still can’t believe it either), was published in a few other places, wrote 50,069 words of a “novel”, read 18 books (see the note on grad school), and did my first ever podcast, all without dying or developing any sort of serious psychosis.

I wrote exactly 150 posts on Literature and Libation this year. 51 beer reviews, 21 How Tos, 11 Craft and Drafts, and 5 Forgotten Fridays. If, on average, I wrote ~750 words a post (total guess), that’s ~112,500 words for 2012.

I’d say, without reservation, that is was a pretty awesome year.

A lot of people make resolutions as the new year turns its notebook to a fresh piece of paper, but I don’t like that idea. “Resolution” has a self deprecating connotation, as if you need to resolve some issue with your life, or make improvements to some less than perfect life-area.

Stop beating yourself up with the resolutions! Be positive, dammit.

For me, 2013 will be about trying new things. I’ve got a whole brew-kettle of ideas that are fermented and hopped and almost ready to drink. You’ll be seeing things like:

  • Guest posts!
  • Videos!
  • Essays!
  • Longer form thingies!
  • Contests!?

But that doesn’t mean I won’t be doing my usual reviews, How Tos, Craft and Draft posts, or Forgotten Fridays. They’ll still be here, and hopefully I’ll be able to come up with some schedule for posting that isn’t “whenever I randomly feel like it.” No promises though.

Did anyone else have any written successes this year? Any plans for 2013?

And don’t give me any resolutions. You don’t want to see me angry; I’m likely to write a strongly worded letter.

All of these things happened to/with/around me in 2012.

All of these things happened to/with/around me in 2012.

 

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