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The 10 Types of Craft Beer Drinkers

May 23, 2013 · by Oliver Gray

With an ever-increasing selection of high-quality beers available, well, pretty much everywhere, craft beer enthusiast are experiencing an age of taste enlightenment, a malt and hops renaissance clad in glass, bearing colorful, cleverly labeled heraldry. With so many options, it was inevitable that drinkers and drinking habits would naturally stratify, form groups based on behaviors and preferences and concentrations of alpha acids. I give you, distilled from the hot mash of beer culture, the ten archetypal craft beer drinkers. For the record, I’m some kind of mix between #4 and #9.

(Side note: I used the pronouns “he” and “his” for simplicity only, and am by no means suggesting this is a male-only thing. We’ll just assume that “guy” in this context is as gender malleable as “dude.” Everyone is a dude, male or female or equine or mythological.)

1. The Local

This guy drinks beer brewed in his home state, and maybe the bordering few states, exclusively. He’s a champion of the local craft scene, often espousing the local nanobrew that is climbing in popularity in a new brewpub two towns over or announcing what seasonals his favorite nearby brewery will be shipping out next. He doesn’t scoff at great beer from other places, but given the option, he’ll say “think locally, f*ck globally” every time. You can’t really be mad at him for it either; he’s a catalyst for brewing progress, keeping the smaller brew pubs alive, supporting the system at the roots, nourishing all those little guys with precious praise and dollars.

2. The Old Faithful

This guy has worked the same job for ten plus years, orders the same meal every time he goes to that same restaurant, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, always drinks the same beer every weekend from the comfort of a well-worn chair. It’s usually something pretty good: an IPA from an established brewery or a modern, well executed lager. But, like an old man stuck firmly in a rocking chair at a retirement home lamenting how the world “used to be,” he gets grumpy and dismissive if someone suggests he tries something new. He’ll likely drink that beer until he dies, or until the brewery goes under, at which point he’ll try to find a beer exactly like it which may be the only time in his life that he tries new beers.

3. The Critic

This guy is a roiling mess of negativity, who despite having downed some of the best beer in existence, cannot seem to say anything good about any beers. His rampant criticism of anything and everything beer related makes the people around him wonder if he actually likes beer at all, or if he just really likes to talk about how much he doesn’t like beer. He’s not uneducated, often correctly pointing out faults like over-hopping, high acidity, off flavors, and weak malt backbones. He’s probably tried more beers than most people who claim to “love/adore/admire” craft beer. But no one has ever seen him actually enjoying a beer. The day he does, the universe might implode.

4. The Appraiser

This guy is the antithesis of The Critic, who, despite tasting some stuff that a man stumbling through the desert dying of thirst would reject and wave off, loves pretty much everything that passes his lips. Even beers that could potentially be toxic or cause a severe allergic reaction; even bizarre beers, like that homebrewed rutabaga porter he tried last week; even beers that are stored and served in screw top two liter Mountain Dew bottles are OK in this guy’s world. If the beer really does taste awful, he’ll find something else to compliment, like the labeling or cool off-curlean blue of the bottle cap. When his drinking buddies say, “How can you drink this shit? Tastes like Scotch tape mixed with pureed owl pellets!” he’ll respond with, “Yea, a little bit I guess. But it’s definitely not the worst I’ve thing I’ve ever had!”

5. The Clueless One

This guy really wants to be part of the craft beer wave, really wants to fit in with all his friends at the bar on a Friday night as they take turns sipping from a sampler, but the combination of an unsophisticated palate and a possible learning disability keeps him from grasping the finer nuances of good beer. He’ll often ask, attempting to look beer-literate, if a lager is a pale ale, or if a stout is a hefeweizen. He means well, and seems to enjoy his beer, but can’t for the life of him keep styles or breweries straight. He once correctly identified an IPA and now that is all he will order, partly out of fear that people will realize he has no idea what he’s talking about, partly because he’s proud he finally got one right.

6. The Flavor Finder

This guy could be also be named “The Bullshitter.” His ability to identify flavors – many of which were not intentionally added to the brew – borders on paranormal. He’ll sniff at the settling head of an IPA and make verbal note of the subtle wafts of “raspberry, turmeric, and waffle batter.” He’ll take a sip and, swirling his tongue around his mouth, ask if you noticed the way the hops created “a dirty, rusty flavor” but “in a good way” then point out how the finish is like “molten cashews, cooked over a fire of pine needles and Brazilian rosewood.” The dude will claim to taste things humans can’t physically taste, like passion and eccentricity. If he is really tasting all of this stuff, there might be something really, really wrong with his tongue. Or maybe he’s about to have a stroke. No one knows.

7. The Beer Snob

Everyone knows one of these guys, the person not just happy to crack and pour and drink his beer, that guy who cannot control the urge to explain why the beers he drinks are vastly superior to the beers you drink. He’d never be caught dead with something less than 9.5% ABV, somehow equating alcohol content to quality. If it’s not a double or triple or Imperial version, he won’t even consider drinking it, as it is clearly below his refined tastes and standards. He spends his free time on BeerAdvocate and RateBeer writing short, overly-harsh and condescending reviews, always adding the note, “it’s no Old Rasputin” to the end of each. No one really likes this guy, but he thinks he’s doing the beer-drinking community a favor by ranting about the “impurity of large scale brewing” whenever he can.

8. The Beer Snob Snob

This guy has gotten all meta and is snobby about how snobby the beer snobs snob. He is the counter-culture backlash against the condescension that permeates the beer world, falling back on non-craft beers with lots of folk lore, like Pabst Blue Ribbon and National Bohemian. He wears square rimmed glasses, porkpie hats, and too-tight pants. This guy isn’t actually into beer for the sake of the beer, he just really, really likes to annoy people and say the word “irony” a lot. As soon as good beer isn’t cool anymore, it won’t be cool to like bad beer, which means it won’t be ironic to like any beer at all, and this guy will fade into mismatched, dub-step thumping obscurity.

9. The Comparer

This guy can’t help but compare the beer he’s currently drinking to every other beer he’s ever drunk. The first words out of his mouth after a virgin sip of a new (to him) brew, are always, “Hmm, this reminds me of…” It’s his mission to compile a mental database of every beer ever, to create connections between breweries, to be a walking, talking reference encyclopedia of craft beer. He’s actually great to have around if you’re trying to find new beers of a certain style to try, but otherwise his incessant obsession with categorization and beer hierarchy make him tough to hang out with. Never, ever, under any circumstance, unless you need to kill two or three hours, ask this guy what his favorite beer is. Trust me on that one.

10. The Brewbie

The new guy! The excited guy! The guy who just tried his first Stone Ruination IPA and just can’t stop talking about it! A new craft beer fan is born in the maternity wards of brewpubs every Friday night. This guy is usually overly enthusiastic, recommending every person try every beer ever, even if they’re underage, not a beer fan, or not even a human. He’ll go on about how IPAs are his favorite, no ambers, no pilsners, no stouts, no IPAs again; drunk on the new breadth of styles and flavors he’s just discovered, and also the beer itself. This guy tends to drink too much out of excitement, not realizing that his new beau is a good 2 or 3 or 5% ABV higher than the stuff he was drinking in college. No one gets mad when he gets a little out of hand though. His zeal and excitement remind us of ourselves when we first took a sip of that beer that turned casual drinker into enthusiast, and turned beer into art.

Homebrewd

“Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

A 20-Something’s Guide to Being Way More Awesome by Sucking Way Less

August 16, 2011 · by Oliver Gray

Sometimes you have to work backwards.

1.  Your life isn’t bad, so stop pretending like it is

If you decide that your life sucks, it probably does. Conversely, if you wake up and jump-kick your problems in their troublemaking necks, kicking as much theoretical ass as possible every day, chances are your life won’t suck. It’s honestly that simple. You ever notice that people, who complain about things constantly going wrong, constantly have things going wrong?

Buck up, asshole, life is unfair, dark, twisted, cruel, and merciless. It’s also mind-blowing, exhilarating, breathtaking, and full of adventure. Start thinking on the up, and you might find your days have a few more double rainbows and few less inner ear infections. Sometimes it’s ok to feel overwhelmed, but when you start to think every little thing is overwhelming, it might be time to compare your “hard” existence to someone in a much less socially tolerant part of the world.

In this country, we’re allowed to shave and drive and flick people off and say things like, “BAG OF COCKS” on the internet. Small liberties we surely take for granted, but that make life in our hemispherical quarter oh so sweet.

When life feels overwhelming, remember that you are going to die.

2.  Shut the hell up for like, 10 minutes

Everyone seems to think that what they have to say is really important, but 99% of what I read on social networking sites, public forums, and in article comment threads is brain-rot of the highest form. Instead of rambling incoherently, try stopping, thinking, thinking if you’ve actually thought about it, and then saying. In that brief moment that your brain gets a break from your mindless word-vomit, it may speak up and timidly remind you that what you’re about to say is certifiably retarded.

If your verbal output versus time spent thinking is somewhere around 500:1, you know you’ve got a problem. Seriously, shut up. You’re that annoying guy at the party who no one likes and everyone wishes would just leave already.

Think before you speak, never the opposite.

3.  You have more time than you think, you just waste a lot of time saying you have none

I hear a lot (probably over 50%) of my peers claiming they don’t have enough time to do everything they want to do. They can’t do Graduate school because there is no time to study for the GRE. They can’t cook because there is no time to go to the grocery store. They can’t work out because it would cut into allocated binge drinking time.

I ask, “Really?” Because I’ve stalked your Facebook profile and you seem pretty goddamn boring. Based on my loose, creepy analysis of your life, you go to work, post on Facebook that work sucks, go home, complain about something else, provide an expert analysis of some televised drivel, then drunkenly slur your goodnight to the world, complaining that you didn’t get anything done. Nowhere in that self-aggrandizing drool did you improve yourself or do anything worthy of merit. I submit that you had hours and hours of time in which to do things that you want to do, but instead you squandered them by telling everyone how you were squandering them.

You want to do something supremely awesome with your life? Then get off your ass and do it instead of Tweeting, Facebooking, Linkedining, Televisioning, or whatever other time waster you’ve invented. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, or so I’ve been told. Take a step…and don’t feel obligated to tell the world as soon as you do.

“Lost time is never found again.” Benjamin mothereffin’ Franklin.

4. Stop, Collaborate, and Listen

Rob Van Winkle said this in 1990, and 21 years later, we still can’t seem to get the message. Perhaps bad hip hop wasn’t the optimal mover of this timeless message, but the words contain wisdom nonetheless. Everyone seems too hung up on their own personal interpretation of events, so much so that they refuse to acknowledge that their response is so incredibly personalized that it couldn’t (and shouldn’t) apply to everyone.

You know when you tell a “you had to be there story” and it fizzles because your audience kind of… had to be there? Your personal interpretation of political, social, or religious tension is just like that. The person you’re talking to may have been raised by a particularly feisty bag of coffee beans and in turn may not understand or appreciate your quaint morality and opinions of the world.

This is OK. The sooner you realize that no one, not even an elaborately constructed and trained clone of yourself, can possibly understand and view the world as you do, the sooner the world can regain a sense of sanity. Difference is a good thing, and part of what separates us from raccoons and squirrels (ever notice that a squirrel’s tail is the same size as the rest of its body? Whoa.)

If you want to be a productive and awesome young person, gain some goddamn perspective.

5.  Pay Attention

There is an infinite wealth of information to be had, for free, if you just switch your brain from “blow” to “suck”. Instead of constantly expelling all of the “knowledge” you have in your head like a mental machine gun, stop and take some in. Your daily work, no matter how monotonous or decidedly awful, is packed full of little tidbits of humor, advice, warnings, and stories.

If you wonder why some people are smarter, more successful, or always seem to know exactly what to do or say, it’s because they constantly pay attention. Train your brain to actually listen during a conversation, not just sit waiting for its opportunity to chime in about what you have to say. Being a thoughtful person only requires one care enough to listen to a person’s fears, concerns, joys, and goals. Remind them that you remember that conversation and BOOM; you’re the most caring person in the universe at that particular moment.

Too many people just want to talk about themselves, and get into a “me, myself, and I” syndrome that eventually degrades into a narcissistic cycle of self-indulgence. Social media and internet attention whoring only fuels this phenomenon. As cool and experienced as you think you are, there will always be something to gain from listening and paying attention to other people.

If a person can’t serve as a glowing model, let them serve as a meth-riddled warning (I’ll spare you the blind “Faces of Meth” link).

6.  Lose the Comfort Blanket      

We all want to be cozy and comfortable and warmed by the buzzing drunk of good, homemade liquor. Shit; Henry D. Thoreau argued that warmth ­­- in the form of basic food and shelter – is all a man needs to live and be happy. Everything else (to him) was just superfluous waste. Unfortunately, my friends, you’ve become way too warm. Hot even. Some of you are so concerned with staying warm that you don’t even notice that it is summer and you are profusely sweating under your woolen prison. When the weather is nice, it’s OK to take the blanket off; I promise you won’t freeze. Step out and do something that you’ve never done. Move out of your parent’s house, take up sword fighting, train to run a marathon. Do something! Do anything that breaks you out of your regular habits and comfortable addictions.

I can dance all three step of an Irish reel. You know why? Because I’m super awesome at everything, but also because I said, “sure, why the hell not?” when the opportunity presented itself. I look like a dying spider monkey in my inelegance, and my bones may feel like brittle toothpicks the morning after a dance session, but damnit I accomplished something.

And don’t expect someone to do any of this for you. If you want to do it, you have to be the one to sign the check, show up for class, and become a legend* (*eventually).

Instead of finding reasons to not do things, find reasons to do all kinds of whacky shit.

7. Stop Judging so thou shalt not be Judged

This ties loosely into #4; stop assuming you’re in a position to judge someone else. I know the internet is a playground for anonymous asshattery (performed by an assdasher, in an assdashery), but before you unleash your frothing tirade on some poor stranger, stop. Slam on your ethical brakes before you rear-end someone’s ego. By projecting your hate, you are perpetuating the notion that it is somehow acceptable to hate, which in turn justifies other hate.

Acknowledge that you may not understand the whole situation, that no one gives a shit about your opinion, and that your spiteful venting may be infinitely more impactful than you think. There are hundreds of thousands of people who are literally afraid to try things (like interpretive spider monkey Irish dance) because they fear being judged by their peers and the community at large.

Do you want someone to hold you back from doing something you love and obsess over, just because they think it is “lame” or “gay” or some combination thereof? The solution does not lie in telling these people to get over their fear of being judged, but in stopping all of this ridiculous judgment. Rampant judging of other people is a huge red flag that you are projecting as a form of self defense; don’t think you’re fooling anyone.

Break the cycle and be the bigger, happier, sexier person.

8.  Be Confident, not Arrogant

If you’re good at something, then by all means, do it as ferociously and passionately as you can. Be confident in your ability and strive to be a master of your art. If you truly pour your vital humors into a passion, the community will acknowledge and appreciate it.

Conversely, if you’re not very good at something, don’t go around telling people how awesome you are at said thing. An approach like this is thinly veiled, and comes off as pretentious, assholish behavior. I’ve met countless writers who don’t write, runners who don’t run, and dreamers who don’t dream. False bravado and fanciful talk will not convince people you are into something, actually being into it will.

I know that talking about being passionate and accomplished is WAY easier than actually being passionate and accomplished, but the easiest path never leads to personal satisfaction. A lot of people who don’t understand the concept of confidence mistake pomp and arrogance for assertiveness. If you feel like an asshole when you say something, you’re probably being an asshole.

You’re not an authority on something if you can be called for bullshitting by someone who really is an authority.

9.  Calm Yourself

Why is everyone so freaking angry? Every time I turn around, someone is yelling at someone else, or kicking someone in the crotch, or being uppity and bitchy in the supermarket. Anger requires so much energy. You have to scrunch up your face and turn red and make all sorts of frustrated grunts. It almost always ends in apologetic whimpering, leaving you feeling worse for having gotten angry, when you could have just avoided it in the first place.

Anger is caused by a lack of self control. People get angry because a situation either scares, challenges, or threatens them, and they don’t know how to otherwise react. If you take the time to focus your mind and analyze the situation, you can often neutralize any anger that comes burning through your synapses. Being calm will let you objectively analyze any situation, and ultimately make you a more educated and logical decision maker. An added plus of this kind of stoicism is that you can psychologically analyze all of these angry people and ponder what kind of mental Nidhogg is gnawing away at their psyche.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to malice, and malice leads to things like The Jersey Shore.

10.  Patience, young one

I know that patience isn’t supposed to be the strong point of youth. Our impetuousness is endearing, and a normal part of growing up. But ants-in-the-pants exuberance is supposed to be reserved for those situations where your energy and fresh perspective can improve a situation. It should not be used to blow a situation out of proportion to get your own way. I find it amazing that people can’t stay on hold, wait for food, or follow a single conversational topic for more than 10 minutes without fidgeting like a goblin with psoriasis. Sometimes I feel like there is more than arsenic, birth control, fluoride, lead, and DDT in our drinking water.

In our 140-character limit world of instant gratification, getting things immediately may seem ideal. But there is a lot to be said about being able to patiently work through something, and those you are dealing with will always appreciate your peaceful demeanor.

Patience is a virtue, after all.

There, 10 things that can make you way, way more awesome. You’re welcome.

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