• Beer Fridge
  • Home
    • December, 1919
  • Me?

Literature and Libation

Menu

  • How To
  • Libation
  • Literature
  • Other
  • Writing
  • Join 14,872 other followers

Browsing Tags satire

Man Complaining About Beer Seemingly Oblivious To Living Conditions in Third World Countries

December 21, 2015 · by Oliver Gray

PORTLAND, OR – In a baffling display that can only be attributed to ignorance or plain old cruelty, local man Ryan Balmer spent last Saturday complaining about beer while several thousand children in the third world starved to death.

Seemingly unfazed by that fact that his beer cost several times more than what nearly half of humanity earns as a daily wage, Balmer raised his glass, squinted his nose, and made a disgusted face after taking his first sip. After several seconds of staring at a product that contains more clean water than is readily accessible to a large portion of human society, the self-described “beer enthusiast” peppered the tired, overworked bartender with oddly specific questions.

“The description says Galaxy hops, but they really tastes more like Citras, if we’re being honest,” Balmer quipped as he demanded a new drink, not in the least deterred that he was about to waste more calories than some people eat in a day. “It’s like, if you’re going to brew it with those hops, it better taste like those hops, right? Not like it’s hard.”

As he took a bite of the pizza he’d ordered as an afterthought accessory to his beverage (a meal someone might literally kill him for on the streets of Venezuela), Balmer compared the beer he was drinking to a dozen others, unaware that, in light of the reality that more boys were forced to become child soldiers that very afternoon, no one gave a shit. He then utilized more technology than is available to some small governments, smearing a greasy finger across his phone screen to check the beer in and give it 2 stars on Untappd.

After consuming enough beer to be labeled “a fire demon” by a tribal shaman, Balmer began ranting about the dangers of corporately made beer. “We can’t trust Anheuser-Busch, man. The consumer knows what’s up now. We need to boycott them and all the sellouts they bought,” he lamented, perfectly happy with the cognitive dissonance required to complain about a corporation whose profits exceed the GDP of some nations. “They want to destroy craft beer. It’s immoral and unethical and wrong. We can’t allow that bullshit,” Balmer continued, adding an apparent lack of understanding about economics and business succession to his already below average knowledge of the rest of the planet.

Sitting in a bar that not only had consistent electricity, but also significantly more structural integrity than many people’s homes, Balmer expanded upon the problems in the beer community. “There’s no bubble, man; craft beer is a cultural revolution,” he noted, oblivious to the actual, horribly violent political and social revolutions happening in several war-torn countries. “The world is changing, and beer is the catalyst. I tell you man, it’s happening right here and right now.” Balmer then burped and slammed his fist against his chest in a vain attempt to remedy his heartburn, a feeling and concept entirely foreign to the millions of people who often don’t get the required macronutrients to grow healthy bones.

As he waited for his Uber driver, a visibly intoxicated Balmer began to explain the brewing process to the clearly disaffected hostess, either completely culturally blind to, or just unwilling to admit the fact that the barley used to make his booze could feed entire towns in Africa and South America for months.

Sources confirm that upon arriving home, Balmer sat down in front of his TV, quickly changing the channel from a Christian Children’s Fund commercial before opening another beer.

headyt

Introducing Pintiptor™ – A Treatment for your Moderate to Severe Hopothermia

November 13, 2014 · by Oliver Gray

::Fade in to man washing dishes in a brightly lit, country-style kitchen::

“I’m not just a beer drinker; I’m a beer enthusiast. But when I noticed that my every conversation inevitably turned to beer, and saw all my friends roll their eyes and make excuses to get away from me at parties, I decided it was time to go see my doctor.”

::Cut to scene of man rubbing his throat and wincing, trying to talk to his doctor::

“My doctor told me I was suffering from Hopothermia, a relatively common condition that affects 40-50 percent of all craft beer drinkers between the ages of 21 and 85. Hopothermia numbs the lining of your tongue and brain, causing taste bud amnesia and temporary insanity. When I began to tell my doctor my feelings about AB-InBev’s purchase of 10 Barrel Brewing, he prescribed Pintiptor™ (Imbibvimutinal).”

::Cut to scene of smiling man lifting five-gallon carboys of golden-colored liquids::

Soothing Voiceover: When rambling on Facebook and Twitter aren’t enough, adding Pintiptor™ can help reduce the chances of boring everyone around you. Pintiptor™ helps to assuage your need to scrutinize every business decision in the brewing industry by pinpointing the receptors in your brain that help you remember that you started drinking beer because it tastes good. In clinical trials, patients saw a 100 percent increase in drinking beer without overthinking it. Beer drinking adults reported a 50 percent reduction in having opinions about Stone Brewing in as little as four months when taking Pintiptor™.

::Cut to scene of man smiling with his wife, sharing a bomber of local beer::

Soothing Voiceover: Pintiptor™ is not for everyone; including people with liver problems and women who are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant. Tell your doctor if you are on any other medications, or experience any strong opinions about wine or scotch, as this may be the sign of seriously annoying side effect. 

Pintiptor™ can lower your ability to fight internet trolls, including beer snobs. Serious and sometimes embarrassing side effects like vomiting in public, sleeping past noon on a Saturday, and having to admit you don’t know when the latest hyped seasonal will be released can occur. Before starting Pintiptor™, ask your doctor to test you for pretentiousness. Ask your doctor if you live in or have been to a region where certain yeast infections are common. High blood sugar and original gravity has been reported in patients who take Pintiptor™. Other risks include increased drymouth, lack of ability to make small talk in taprooms, flavor overload, people thinking you’re a cool person, forgetting how to use Twitter, and simple beer appreciation, which may become permanent. Call your doctor if you experience worsening symptoms, or suddenly develop an interest in the grooming habits of Greg Koch or Garrett Oliver. 

::Cut to scene of man sitting at table in restaurant with friends, laughing and drinking a plain old amber ale::

“It feels great to drink beer just to enjoy it again.”

Soothing Voiceover: Tell your doctor if you’ve ever had beard envy, malt mania, or brewer’s elbow, or are prone to hypochondria. You should not start Pintiptor™ if you have any kind of real, financial stake in the brewing industry.

If you can’t afford your medication, AstraZeneca and MillerCoors may be able to help.

::Show Pintiptor™ Logo::

Enjoy beer again. Ask your doctor about Pintiptor™ today.

::Fade out::

009-3

You don’t have to live with Hopothermia. But it wouldn’t be so bad. This is a great beer.

It’s Not Brew, It’s Me

May 16, 2013 · by Oliver Gray

(This piece was originally published by 20 Something Magazine, but I’m republishing it here in honor of ACBW)

Dearest Yuengling,

What has it been? Ten years? I remember the first time I saw you that summer, dancing in the sinking sunlight of that orange-stained evening. You were wearing nothing but your label and that brownish-gold bottle cap I adored so much. The fading rays of light refracted through the green of your glass as I held you high and to my lips. Our kisses were sweet, under-aged surrender; both of us willing, happy, just wanting to have fun.

It was love at first sip.

This last decade is a torrent of memories that I wish I could bottle and seal and store forever. You’ve done nothing but support me when life’s problems bubbled up. You were always there to comfort me during the hardest of times, pouring yourself into my soul and lifting me up like a lover and an old friend. I’ll never forget you or those tipsy Pennsylvania nights so long as I still have a thirst to quench.

And that’s what makes this so hard.

Yuengling, baby, I think it’s time I drink other beers.

I know that is hard to hear after all the pints we’ve shared, all the times we’ve stumbled drunkenly down the streets of DC towards home, but I feel it is the best thing for us both. I’ve given it a lot of thought and can’t keep seeing you, drinking you, or pretending I’m happy.

I’ve grown up so much since those millennial Julys; I’ve drunk deeply from the keg of life, smelled the intoxicating lupulin drifting from hop farms, and witnessed the beauty of beer being born in the depths of a mashtun. When I was a teenager you were new and wonderful – and you are still wonderful, in your own way – but I didn’t really know myself. I was just a kid who’d never seen the inside of a brewery, whose taste buds hadn’t matured, who was happy to be drinking any beer at all.

My adoration of beer in general has grown into a deep respect for the craft, the art, the science. I appreciate the rolling cascade of hops that are like citrus symphonies playing melody to my tongue and harmony to my nose. I’m looking for bold new conventions, and you’re the same old brown lager that your great-great-great Grandpa David Gottlob Jüngling was making back in 1829.

We’ve grown apart over the years. I changed. You didn’t.

I also have a confession to make. I haven’t been faithful. A few years ago, in a moment of weakness, I gave into my baser desires, my budding curiosity, and tasted the forbidden fruit of a Belgian lambic. As soon as those raspberry notes hit my tongue I was instantly changed. I flirted shamelessly with the blonde ales, kissed the effervescent lips of sweet browns, spent many long nights by the side of delicate reds. I felt like a beer-bachelor reborn, and filled my cup time and time again in a veritable orgy of new tastes and smells.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, smash your bottle and leave you broken on the floor. But I can’t pretend that we’re still living in those glory days of youth. I can’t untaste what has been tasted. I can’t pretend you’ll ever be so pure and delicious again.

If you see me at the liquor store, picking up a six pack of Dogfish Head 60 Minute or Troegs Hopback Amber please don’t get all weird. I expect you to find new men who love you for your sour-malt flavor and low price tag. I want that for you. I want you to be happy, not glaring at me from the cooler in the back while I walk out with some other beer on my arm. You need consistency, faithfulness, a one-beer kind of man, and I can’t give you that. My palette has been awakened to the full breadth of styles and flavors. I can never go back to only drinking brown lager. And that’s just not fair to you.

Please, don’t cry; I’ve seen how you sweat and how the tiniest bit of water ripples your label. Try to remember the good times. Like that night you and I hung out with Captain Morgan and ditched him with Jack Daniels at that terrible frat party. Remember that night? I carried you home across the girls’ soccer field because you were too drunk to walk. Or was that me? That was a night I’ll always remember, I think.

Even though I’m leaving, that’s what I want to hold on to. The love we shared and the twelve ounces of my soul you’ll always occupy. I may have grown up, but you’ll remain a part of what made me into a beer lover until some crazy brewer uses my mortal dust is used to make an especially potent batch of chocolate stout as per my last will and testament.

Anyway, Yuengs, I’ve rambled on enough. I’m going to take some time to really focus on my work and figure myself out. Maybe after we’ve spent some time apart and let the boiling wort of our feelings chill, we can get together over a drink, as friends.

Cheers,

-Oliver

Shit yeah that's a Yuengling.

Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Obituary: One Gallon of Oliver’s Spiced Pumpkin Ale

December 11, 2012 · by Oliver Gray

A gallon of Oliver’s Spiced Pumpkin Ale died today after a brutal fall at the New Carrollton Metro Station in Landover, Maryland.

He was 96 days old.

His family would like him to be remembered as a innocent pile of ingredients – a pound of Vienna malts, a half an ounce of Mt. Hood hops, a few clunky, innocent cans of light malt extract. He was a great kid, popular and well-liked by his friends, bubbly and vibrant and full of life. He was the proverbial life of the party; bringing others out of their shells, teaching them that insecurities should be embraced and overcome, not hidden and shunned.

Somewhere a star, once burning bright with life-giving intensity, has shed its last light. This young beer was lost well before his time, and our hearts ache with unexpected, pounding loss.

He is survived by his father, Oliver; his brother, another gallon of Spiced Pumpkin Ale; and his sister, five gallons of common pear cider.

He was also a loving kegmate to the late three gallons of Spiced Pumpkin Ale that were tragically ingested by a group of boisterous party guests on October, 27.

Family and friends will honor his life this Saturday, 12/15, by drinking the remaining contents of his brother. Condolences may be left in the comments below. Please omit flowers (unless they’re hops).

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ― Mark Twain

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
― Mark Twain

  • Blog at WordPress.com.
  • Connect with us:
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • RSS
  • Follow Following
    • Literature and Libation
    • Join 14,872 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Literature and Libation
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...