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The 10 Types of Craft Beer Drinkers

May 23, 2013 · by Oliver Gray

With an ever-increasing selection of high-quality beers available, well, pretty much everywhere, craft beer enthusiast are experiencing an age of taste enlightenment, a malt and hops renaissance clad in glass, bearing colorful, cleverly labeled heraldry. With so many options, it was inevitable that drinkers and drinking habits would naturally stratify, form groups based on behaviors and preferences and concentrations of alpha acids. I give you, distilled from the hot mash of beer culture, the ten archetypal craft beer drinkers. For the record, I’m some kind of mix between #4 and #9.

(Side note: I used the pronouns “he” and “his” for simplicity only, and am by no means suggesting this is a male-only thing. We’ll just assume that “guy” in this context is as gender malleable as “dude.” Everyone is a dude, male or female or equine or mythological.)

1. The Local

This guy drinks beer brewed in his home state, and maybe the bordering few states, exclusively. He’s a champion of the local craft scene, often espousing the local nanobrew that is climbing in popularity in a new brewpub two towns over or announcing what seasonals his favorite nearby brewery will be shipping out next. He doesn’t scoff at great beer from other places, but given the option, he’ll say “think locally, f*ck globally” every time. You can’t really be mad at him for it either; he’s a catalyst for brewing progress, keeping the smaller brew pubs alive, supporting the system at the roots, nourishing all those little guys with precious praise and dollars.

2. The Old Faithful

This guy has worked the same job for ten plus years, orders the same meal every time he goes to that same restaurant, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, always drinks the same beer every weekend from the comfort of a well-worn chair. It’s usually something pretty good: an IPA from an established brewery or a modern, well executed lager. But, like an old man stuck firmly in a rocking chair at a retirement home lamenting how the world “used to be,” he gets grumpy and dismissive if someone suggests he tries something new. He’ll likely drink that beer until he dies, or until the brewery goes under, at which point he’ll try to find a beer exactly like it which may be the only time in his life that he tries new beers.

3. The Critic

This guy is a roiling mess of negativity, who despite having downed some of the best beer in existence, cannot seem to say anything good about any beers. His rampant criticism of anything and everything beer related makes the people around him wonder if he actually likes beer at all, or if he just really likes to talk about how much he doesn’t like beer. He’s not uneducated, often correctly pointing out faults like over-hopping, high acidity, off flavors, and weak malt backbones. He’s probably tried more beers than most people who claim to “love/adore/admire” craft beer. But no one has ever seen him actually enjoying a beer. The day he does, the universe might implode.

4. The Appraiser

This guy is the antithesis of The Critic, who, despite tasting some stuff that a man stumbling through the desert dying of thirst would reject and wave off, loves pretty much everything that passes his lips. Even beers that could potentially be toxic or cause a severe allergic reaction; even bizarre beers, like that homebrewed rutabaga porter he tried last week; even beers that are stored and served in screw top two liter Mountain Dew bottles are OK in this guy’s world. If the beer really does taste awful, he’ll find something else to compliment, like the labeling or cool off-curlean blue of the bottle cap. When his drinking buddies say, “How can you drink this shit? Tastes like Scotch tape mixed with pureed owl pellets!” he’ll respond with, “Yea, a little bit I guess. But it’s definitely not the worst I’ve thing I’ve ever had!”

5. The Clueless One

This guy really wants to be part of the craft beer wave, really wants to fit in with all his friends at the bar on a Friday night as they take turns sipping from a sampler, but the combination of an unsophisticated palate and a possible learning disability keeps him from grasping the finer nuances of good beer. He’ll often ask, attempting to look beer-literate, if a lager is a pale ale, or if a stout is a hefeweizen. He means well, and seems to enjoy his beer, but can’t for the life of him keep styles or breweries straight. He once correctly identified an IPA and now that is all he will order, partly out of fear that people will realize he has no idea what he’s talking about, partly because he’s proud he finally got one right.

6. The Flavor Finder

This guy could be also be named “The Bullshitter.” His ability to identify flavors – many of which were not intentionally added to the brew – borders on paranormal. He’ll sniff at the settling head of an IPA and make verbal note of the subtle wafts of “raspberry, turmeric, and waffle batter.” He’ll take a sip and, swirling his tongue around his mouth, ask if you noticed the way the hops created “a dirty, rusty flavor” but “in a good way” then point out how the finish is like “molten cashews, cooked over a fire of pine needles and Brazilian rosewood.” The dude will claim to taste things humans can’t physically taste, like passion and eccentricity. If he is really tasting all of this stuff, there might be something really, really wrong with his tongue. Or maybe he’s about to have a stroke. No one knows.

7. The Beer Snob

Everyone knows one of these guys, the person not just happy to crack and pour and drink his beer, that guy who cannot control the urge to explain why the beers he drinks are vastly superior to the beers you drink. He’d never be caught dead with something less than 9.5% ABV, somehow equating alcohol content to quality. If it’s not a double or triple or Imperial version, he won’t even consider drinking it, as it is clearly below his refined tastes and standards. He spends his free time on BeerAdvocate and RateBeer writing short, overly-harsh and condescending reviews, always adding the note, “it’s no Old Rasputin” to the end of each. No one really likes this guy, but he thinks he’s doing the beer-drinking community a favor by ranting about the “impurity of large scale brewing” whenever he can.

8. The Beer Snob Snob

This guy has gotten all meta and is snobby about how snobby the beer snobs snob. He is the counter-culture backlash against the condescension that permeates the beer world, falling back on non-craft beers with lots of folk lore, like Pabst Blue Ribbon and National Bohemian. He wears square rimmed glasses, porkpie hats, and too-tight pants. This guy isn’t actually into beer for the sake of the beer, he just really, really likes to annoy people and say the word “irony” a lot. As soon as good beer isn’t cool anymore, it won’t be cool to like bad beer, which means it won’t be ironic to like any beer at all, and this guy will fade into mismatched, dub-step thumping obscurity.

9. The Comparer

This guy can’t help but compare the beer he’s currently drinking to every other beer he’s ever drunk. The first words out of his mouth after a virgin sip of a new (to him) brew, are always, “Hmm, this reminds me of…” It’s his mission to compile a mental database of every beer ever, to create connections between breweries, to be a walking, talking reference encyclopedia of craft beer. He’s actually great to have around if you’re trying to find new beers of a certain style to try, but otherwise his incessant obsession with categorization and beer hierarchy make him tough to hang out with. Never, ever, under any circumstance, unless you need to kill two or three hours, ask this guy what his favorite beer is. Trust me on that one.

10. The Brewbie

The new guy! The excited guy! The guy who just tried his first Stone Ruination IPA and just can’t stop talking about it! A new craft beer fan is born in the maternity wards of brewpubs every Friday night. This guy is usually overly enthusiastic, recommending every person try every beer ever, even if they’re underage, not a beer fan, or not even a human. He’ll go on about how IPAs are his favorite, no ambers, no pilsners, no stouts, no IPAs again; drunk on the new breadth of styles and flavors he’s just discovered, and also the beer itself. This guy tends to drink too much out of excitement, not realizing that his new beau is a good 2 or 3 or 5% ABV higher than the stuff he was drinking in college. No one gets mad when he gets a little out of hand though. His zeal and excitement remind us of ourselves when we first took a sip of that beer that turned casual drinker into enthusiast, and turned beer into art.

“Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

The 10 Personalities that make Group Projects Unbearable

December 12, 2011 · by Oliver Gray

You’ve been there. In class or at work, minding your own business trying not to get noticed, when your teacher/boss announces that it’s time for a group project. The fear sits in the back of your throat like a wad of old gum. You know what a group project means. You’ve seen this hell too closely and too frequently.

It means late nights, miscommunications, unfair work share, and really dumb group mates with poor hygiene. You promise yourself you’ll delegate work, and won’t let it all fall on your head at the last minute like last time. But you’re naive and stupid. Group projects are built to destroy rational people, mainly because of the antics of the following types of irrational people:

1. Mr. Micromanager

This guy loves to use the word “enunciate.” He’ll dominate most of the group time explaining really obvious things that everyone already understands, or by repeating one section of the instructions over and over again. Despite clear, rational logic that might dictate otherwise, he will not deviate from the instructions at all. He might even cry if he finds out you did behind his back. Then he’ll get angry and send a petty, whiny email to your teacher/boss.

Mr. Micromanager will spend more time sending you elaborate step-by-step instructions about your role in the project, than actually working on the project. He will complain that you are working too slowly, even if he has not completed any of his own section. To add to this, he will call and email you constantly asking for status updates, making it impossible to get any work done. He’ll ask you to call him at times when normal people are on their third pint.

This guy is a jerk, who thinks he knows best because he’s told everyone he knows best. If you give into him, he’ll only do 5% of the work, but take 100% of the credit.

2. The Lone Wolf

You have a bad feeling about this one from the start. She doesn’t say much and always scowls at everyone else, like they are hyenas trying to eat her newborn children. She dresses badly, smells like pistachios, and has a seriously dated hair style.

If she shows up to a group meeting, she’ll be late, and angry about it. If you ask her why her work isn’t done, she’ll make up an unquestionable excuse, usually involving serious illness or family death. None of her work is ever on time, and she never adds to group discussions. You can email her if you want, but she’ll never email you back. The phone number she gave you is for a Papa John’s in Iowa.

After a while, you have to just abandon her and do the project with your other group members. On the day the assignment is due, you’ll be CC’d on an email that contains a finished – but completely different – version of the project. The Lone Wolf did it by herself, and it’s a piece of shit. You are then forced to explain to the teacher why there are two versions of the assignment being handed it, and why The Lone Wolf is a bitch. The final presentation is disjointed and awkward, because she has no idea what the rest of your group is talking about.

3. The Annoying Overachiever

At the start of the project, you hand out assignments for each person. This girl wants triple the assignments anyone else has. She promises she can handle it, because she “works well under pressure.”

She’ll start sending emails at all hours of the morning, showing the rest of the group how much work she’s done. After a few days, you start to feel guilty, because she’s finished 3 times the amount you have. Then you realize it doesn’t matter, because the project isn’t due for weeks. You assume the girl does loads and loads of cocaine.

After a few more days, you’ll start to get emails from the girl, asking for your sections. Even if you carefully explain that you’re not done (or haven’t started) because of conflicting priorities, she’ll lose her shit. She’ll claim she’ll get fired, or fail the class. She’ll tell you that her mother would disown her and she’d lose her awesome studio apartment. You wish she’d shut up and leave you alone.

When you finally do provide your content, she’ll scrutinize it like it’s going to land on the desk of the President. Her feedback is unnecessarily brutal, so you ignore most of it. By the time the assignment is due, she’s completely burnt out and has some horrible sickness. The entire group stands on the opposite side of the room from her.

4. The Dude

This guy, for all intents and purposes, is nice. He’s amiable and loquacious, even funny at times. When you form the group, he makes the instructions into jokes, and everyone in the group seems to like him.

At your first meeting, he shows up an hour late, wearing sunglasses indoors, reeking of cheap booze. He falls asleep twice during the meeting, and apologizes that he’s “sick.” He leaves the meeting early, presumably to vomit.

When asked for his share of the work, he’ll respond with canned phrases like, “Aww, dude, I forgot!” or “Shit! I knew there was something I didn’t do.” He never shows anyone any of the work he’s doing, but assures them very energetically that it will be done soon.

On the day before the assignment is due, he calls you, freaking out. He explains that he hasn’t done any of his portion, offering 442 different, weak, unbelievable excuses as to why. Fortunately, you knew he was a flake, and had already done most of his section anyway. You stay up late to finish everything. During the presentation, he makes a joke about beer and everyone laughs.

5. Mr. or Mrs. Question Mark

You’re very apprehensive to work with this person, but you had no other option. You can’t focus on the assignment because you can’t decide if this person is male or female. He (or she) has an androgynous name, and you can’t tell if those are boobs or just fat.

This person lacks most social graces, often snorting or gyrating most inappropriately. She (?) will reference odd things like specific episodes of obscure Japanese Anime, and be confused when no one gets what he’s (?) talking about. Every time you get an email from this person, you cringe, hoping they don’t want to meet in person…again.

Their work is satisfactory, but they always manage to tack on something – like a quote from a death metal album – that makes it creepy. You spend an above average amount of time working them out of the presentation, secretly hoping that they’ll be too caught up in some ritualistic auto-erotic asphyxiation to show up.

They show up wearing a purple shirt with unicorns on it or a Metallica themed tie. They’ve grown a mustache since you last saw them, but it still doesn’t help you identify what they are. During the presentation, they reference sexual torture. Everyone in the rooms wants to leave/die.

6. The Self-Flagellator

This girl is nervous at all times. Her hair is a frazzled mess, and she’d likely jump and scream if you said something to her without making eye contact first. She offers to be in your group, and she’s a better option than Mr. (?) Question Mark.

You start receiving emails from this girl almost immediately. They ask for your feedback, and more importantly, your approval. If you say anything negative, you’ll receive 6 more emails apologizing for her terrible work, even if you didn’t even kind of say it was terrible. She’ll continue this trend with everything you send her, until you finally just tell her “it looks great!” in response to any question she asks.

During meetings, she’ll constantly look at the door, and chew on her pen until it falls apart. She offers to let you review a document on her laptop, but you can’t see anything through the 3 privacy screen covers she’s got on it. She’ll often ask you to watch her as she walks to her car, just in case you need to call the police for her.

Come presentation time, she’ll show up, do a good job, and sit in the corner clutching her laptop, waiting for everyone else to leave before she does.

7. The Fearless and Clueless Leader

This guy (sometimes a girl) is more than happy to lead the project team to submission glory. He’s strong headed and confident, which he is clear to point out when he does an impromptu “vote” where he somehow becomes the de facto leader of the group.

He’ll organize meetings, conference calls, even suggest alternatives if the group can’t meet up. He’s ready to tackle any problem the group might have, except for the assignment itself. When you ask him about the assignment, it becomes very apparent that he has no idea what anyone in the group is supposed to do, and is making up his own plan which is based in a reality very far detached from the recognizable.

After a week or so of listening to the captain’s order, the group starts to secretly communicate and meet behind his back. They let him hold the illusion of leadership, because explaining why he is wrong would be pissing on an inferno. The project gets finished, and someone in the group is forced to trick the leader into thinking it’s exactly what he planned. During the presentation, he reminds the class that without him, this project would have “totally sucked.”

8. The Lump

You’re not sure how or why this girl got into school/is employed. She has the personality of a rotting grapefruit. Her eyes are dead and lifeless, like a shark.

She was defaulted into your group but doesn’t have strong opinions about anything. She never actually agrees to any of the work she’s assigned, but instead casually dismisses it by saying, “yea…” or “whatever.” You think at times she’s trying to be funny, but her humor is so strange that you’re not sure if laughing would be offensive.

She responds to emails with unpunctuated, not-capitalized one-liners. She never has any feedback, and everything she reviews is “ok i guess”. She does her work, but it’s bad and not completely finished.

When she doesn’t show up for the presentation, you ask your teacher/boss if they can send an ambulance to her apartment.

9. Mr. I’ve got better places to be

This guy is awesome. Or so he wants you to believe. He’ll tell you his golf handicap, and complain he’s already spent too much time on something so trivial.

If you manage to get a hold of him, it sounds like he’s in a dance club, even if it’s only 2:30 P.M. All of his emails say, “Sent from my iPhone”, suggesting he’s never in one place long enough to have a computer. He does his best to contextualize all the work you’re doing, reminding you that “he does stuff 10 times this difficult every day.”

He never sends in any work, so you and your other group mates do it for him. He doesn’t show up on the day of the presentation, so you’re forced to show your boss/teacher the Facebook photos of him on the beach that he uploaded 38 seconds ago.

10. You

Here you are, stuck in the middle of this nightmare. You’re probably pretty normal, and just want to do a good job/get a good grade. You’ve also probably about to have a shitty week or two.

I suggest you figure out who is the dead weight, drop them quickly, grab a beer, and do the whole damn thing yourself. It sucks, but it’s pretty much the only solution.

Good luck!